The Corncob Chronicle
February 11, 2025
By Percival J. Crumblethorpe
Published by The Corncob Chronicle
Spindle Fork, Iowa
In a move hailed by some as “visionary” and by others as “possibly the result of a bad batch of astronaut ice cream,” the Trump administration has officially launched the Department of Intergalactic Agricultural Trade and Space-Based Crop Regulation (DIATSBCR). This new federal agency is the result of joining the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) with the Department of Agriculture (USDA), going boldly where no bureaucracy has gone before—straight into the final frontier of farming.
According to the official statement, DIATSBCR’s mission is to “facilitate the sustainable growth, trade, and regulation of extraterrestrial crops across interstellar markets,” though the document was suspiciously sticky, possibly from syrup. “Space agriculture isn’t just the future; it’s the present… or maybe next Thursday,” announced Acting Undersecretary of Cosmic Corn Compliance, Delbert Farnsworth Picklewig, while adjusting his tinfoil hat for better reception.
“I’ve been worried about alien crop tariffs for years, and it’s about time someone did something. Now I can sleep soundly, knowing our space corn is protected.”
– Myrtle Puddlesnatch
Dr. Eunice Flapdoodle, Professor of Astrobotanical Economics at the University of Southern Upper Dakota, praised the initiative. “We’ve long neglected the vital intersection between photosynthesis and zero gravity. With DIATSBCR, we’re finally asking the hard questions, like ‘Can kale grow on Mars?’ and ‘Should it?’”
However, critics remain skeptical. Dr. Horatio J. Blunderflap, Senior Fellow of Intergalactic Trade Redundancy at the Midwest Institute for Overcomplicated Policies, expressed concern. “We’re talking about regulating crops that don’t technically exist yet. This feels like putting the cart before the horse, or in this case, the hydroponic lettuce before the spaceship.”
Local Spindle Fork resident Myrtle Puddlesnatch shared her emotional reaction. “I’ve been worried about alien crop tariffs for years, and it’s about time someone did something. Now I can sleep soundly, knowing our space corn is protected.” Meanwhile, Ned Crankshaft, owner of Ned’s Discount Tractor Parts, was less enthused. “First, they regulate my soybeans. Now, my space beans? What’s next—moon potatoes?”
Despite mounting confusion, DIATSBCR’s headquarters will reportedly be located in a decommissioned grain silo retrofitted with Wi-Fi and an inflatable space-themed bouncy house for morale. For further clarification—or additional bewilderment—citizens are encouraged to contact The Martian Turnip Review or Galactic Goat Digest for exclusive coverage that may or may not exist.
Media Contact:
Bartholomew Wigglepot
Director of Interstellar Crop Communication
wigglepot@definitelynotascam.space
(555) 867-5309 (currently floating in the void)
Percival J. Crumblethorpe is an award-winning investigative journalist best known for his hard-hitting exposés, including The Mystery of the Disappearing Pancake Batter, Unlicensed UFO Parking Lots: A Growing Concern, and Why Are My Chickens Afraid of the Toaster?
