The Cornfield Clarion
February 10, 2025
By Aloysius Puddlefisk
Published by The Cornfield Clarion
Pickle Hollow, Iowa
In a move that has left both environmentalists and firearms enthusiasts scratching their heads in unison, the Trump administration has unveiled the formation of the Bureau of Eco-Alcohol Regulatory Defense Strategies (BEARDS). This groundbreaking agency will unite the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF) in what officials are calling “an unprecedented step toward eco-conscious enforcement with a hint of flammability.”
While the exact function of BEARDS remains delightfully vague, insiders suggest it will oversee activities ranging from regulating carbon emissions in moonshine distilleries to ensuring that firearms used in national parks are properly compostable. “This is about synergy,” claimed agency spokesperson Hortense Bramblewick, “the natural synergy between clean air and controlled detonations.”
“I’m all for saving the planet, but do I really need a background check to buy fertilizer and a six-pack?”
– Norbert Fizzle
Dr. Percival Twindle, Professor of Sustainable Pyrotechnics at East Central Oklahoma University of Agriculture and Advanced Sciences, expressed support for the initiative. “Combining environmental stewardship with explosives management is long overdue. After all, nothing says ‘eco-friendly’ like a biodegradable hand grenade. Imagine the potential for green warfare—literally.”
However, not everyone is on board. Clementine Wobblethorpe, a senior analyst in Confusing Federal Policies at the Midwestern Institute of Redundancy and Overlap, warned, “We’re creating an agency that could potentially regulate both the emissions from your wood stove and the flammability rating of your bourbon. The overlap is… ambitious, if nothing else.”
Local Pickle Hollow resident Norbert Fizzle expressed his mixed emotions. “I just wanted to renew my hunting license and now I’ve got to fill out an eco-impact assessment for my shotgun. I’m all for saving the planet, but do I really need a background check to buy fertilizer and a six-pack?”
Meanwhile, BEARDS officials maintain that the agency’s primary goal is to “streamline the enforcement of eco-friendly alcohol, tobacco, and firearms policies, while promoting sustainable explosive practices.” A pilot program in Iowa will reportedly focus on developing solar-powered distilleries and eco-friendly gunpowder made from recycled kale.
For more information—or less—concerned citizens are encouraged to reach out to The Quarterly Journal of Garden Gnome Restoration or The Wisconsin Cheese Gazette for further details on how this will affect your daily life, if at all.
Media Contact:
Bartholomew Crankshaft
Director of Vague Communications
Email: crankshaft@beards.govish
(319) 555-1234 (Currently Unavailable)
Aloysius Puddlefisk is a renowned investigative journalist with several prestigious awards, including for The Mystery of the Haunted Toaster, When Squirrels Go Rogue: A Suburban Crisis, and Unlicensed Pogo Sticks: America’s Silent Epidemic.
