The Prairie Gazette
February 10, 2025
By Orville Throckmorton
Published by The Prairie Gazette
Elderberry, Nebraska
In what officials are calling a “strategic reinvention of modern governance,” the Trump administration has announced the formation of the United States Postal Defense Command (USPDC)—a bold, innovative, and somewhat inexplicable fusion of the United States Postal Service and the Department of Defense. The newly minted department is expected to enhance national security while ensuring that packages arrive intact, eventually.
According to officials who neither confirmed nor denied anything specific, the USPDC will harness the logistical prowess of mail carriers and the tactical precision of the military, creating a “swift and effective delivery-based defense strategy.” While the exact mission remains unclear, supporters insist it will “revolutionize both mail processing and missile defense in ways never before imagined.”
“Our forces will deliver security with the same steadfast dedication as the mail—except on Sundays and federal holidays.”
– General Buford P. Smedley
Dr. Zebulon Clapsaddle, a professor of Strategic Postal Warfare at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople, praised the initiative. “For years, we’ve overlooked the tactical advantage of a well-trained postal force. No one sees them coming, they show up in any weather, and their knowledge of rural routes is second to none. Imagine weaponizing that level of determination. This is exactly what modern warfare needs—swift, neutral-toned, and slightly disgruntled efficiency.”
Not everyone is convinced. Cornelius Ditherspoon, a senior fellow in Bureaucratic Inefficiency Studies at the Lesser Missouri Institute for Unnecessary Policy Reform, raised serious concerns. “This initiative is problematic at best. Combining two famously slow, impenetrable bureaucracies could create an agency so entangled in red tape that even it won’t be able to locate itself. We’re looking at an organization that could take three months to approve its own letterhead, much less respond to a national emergency.”
The unveiling ceremony, held at a decommissioned postal sorting facility in Topeka, featured a presentation by General Buford P. Smedley, who will serve as the USPDC’s first Postmaster General of Defense. “America needs a defense strategy that is reliable, adaptable, and, most importantly, available six days a week,” Smedley declared. “Our forces will deliver security with the same steadfast dedication as the mail—except on Sundays and federal holidays.”
Despite widespread confusion, some citizens are embracing the initiative. Maude Pendergrass, a retired librarian from Elderberry, voiced her enthusiasm. “Honestly, I’ve been saying for years that the mail should have more tanks. If they can keep my prescription catalogs safe from porch pirates while keeping foreign threats at bay, I’m all for it.”
Opposition remains strong among certain postal workers, with local mail carrier Archibald Flivver expressing skepticism. “Look, I’ve been dodging rabid dogs and cranky homeowners for decades, but now they want me to carry classified documents in my satchel alongside Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes entries? I didn’t sign up for this.”
The administration has declined to provide further clarification but encourages the public to contact Catfish Quarterly or The North Dakota Shovel Enthusiast for more details on what this means for national security and expedited shipping rates.
Media Contact:
Barnaby Twiddle
Director of Public Confusion
twiddle@uspdc.maildefense.org
(402) 555-8392 (Disconnected)
Orville Throckmorton is an award-winning investigative journalist known for his deep-dive exposés, including The Great Pothole Conspiracy of 1987, How Did That Get in My Soup? A Study of Unintentional Protein Sources, and The Underground Ferret Racing League: America’s Best-Kept Secret.
