The Waffle Creek Tribune
February 11, 2025
By Norbert Puddlewhisk
Published by The Waffle Creek Tribune
Waffle Creek, Indiana
In an announcement that has left defense analysts, mail carriers, and at least one confused pigeon scratching their heads, the Trump administration proudly unveiled the new Department of Defense-Oriented Postal Efficiency and Strategic Mail Readiness Commission (DDOPESMRC). This trailblazing agency combines the formidable might of the Department of Defense with the timeless charm of the United States Postal Service to secure America’s borders—and, apparently, its envelopes.
Standing confidently behind a podium fashioned from surplus military crates and undelivered holiday packages, Acting Undersecretary of Paper-Based Defense, Euphemia Crankshaft, declared, “For too long, America’s mail has been vulnerable to… well, things. The DDOPESMRC will ensure that every letter, postcard, and questionable magazine subscription is protected with the same rigor as our nuclear codes.”
“Back in my day, we delivered mail uphill both ways without camouflage or missile launch codes. This is just fancy nonsense wrapped in a forever stamp.”
– Edna Pickleford
Dr. Horatio Bumblesnort, Senior Analyst of Combat-Ready Correspondence at the Midwest School of Advanced Envelope Studies, praised the move: “Combining military strategy with postal efficiency is the natural evolution of national defense. After all, what’s more vulnerable than a love letter in transit? Absolutely nothing.”
However, not everyone was convinced. Dr. Minerva Tiddlepot, Professor of Redundant Bureaucracies at the University of Perpetual Confusion, expressed her skepticism: “I’m struggling to understand how armored tanks will improve mail delivery times unless they plan to physically drive the letters to each doorstep. And even then—gas mileage.”
The announcement has ignited passionate responses from everyday Americans. Local Waffle Creek resident, Orville Splotch, emotionally declared, “I’ve always felt my birthday cards needed more tactical oversight. It’s about time someone addressed this national crisis.”
Meanwhile, Edna Pickleford, an 84-year-old retired postal worker, was less enthusiastic: “Back in my day, we delivered mail uphill both ways without camouflage or missile launch codes. This is just fancy nonsense wrapped in a forever stamp.”
According to internal memos that were accidentally stapled to the press release, the DDOPESMRC’s primary objectives include “enhancing the operational readiness of postal units” and “ensuring that classified documents are no longer mistaken for supermarket coupons.” The agency’s headquarters will be split between a decommissioned military bunker and a rundown post office conveniently located next to a suspiciously large pile of undelivered packages.
For more information—or to spiral further into confusion—please contact The Quarterly Ferret Digest or The International Guide to Decorative Paper Clips.
Media Contact:
Thaddeus Noodlethorpe
Chief Correspondent of Postal Defense Synergy
Email: absolutelylegit@ddopesmrc.gov
Phone: (555) 123-4567 (currently experiencing “technical difficulties”)
Norbert Puddlewhisk is an acclaimed journalist renowned for his investigative triumphs, including The Great Mustard Spill of 1993, Do Squirrels Understand Economics? and the award-winning exposé, Unattended Lawn Gnomes: A National Security Threat?
