The Humble Gazette
February 8, 2025
By Cornelius Hiram Sproggins
Published by The Humble Gazette
Humble, Nebraska
In a move that has both baffled and astounded political analysts, the Trump administration has announced the creation of the Bureau of Outdoor Recreational Enforcement and Firearms Regulation (BOREFR), an agency that merges the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF) with the National Park Service (NPS). This unexpected decision aims to, in the words of one White House aide, “streamline oversight on both guns and gophers.”
While officials insist the new agency will increase efficiency, others are less convinced. Dr. Orville Thaddeus Grigsby, a self-proclaimed expert in bureaucratic synergy at Cornstalk Polytechnic Institute, commented, “This is a landmark moment in administrative overreach. We’ve essentially given the same folks who ticket illegal campers the power to regulate machine guns. If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.”
Supporters of BOREFR argue that consolidating these agencies will improve public safety and governmental efficiency. Dr. Prudence Lavinia Snodgrass, professor of Outdoor Governance at the Upper Missouri Institute of Administration, explained, “For too long, we’ve been ignoring the obvious overlap between firearm regulation and park ranger duties. Now, when someone’s setting up an unapproved campfire, they’ll be able to enforce federal gun laws at the same time. It just makes sense.”
“We’ve essentially given the same folks who ticket illegal campers the power to regulate machine guns. If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.”
– Dr. Orville Thaddeus Grigsby
Critics, however, remain skeptical. Local Humble resident and retired fireworks stand owner Rufus Mortimer Greeley expressed his concerns, stating, “First, they came for my Roman Candles, and I said nothing. Now, they’re putting firearm regulations in the hands of the same people who tell me I can’t take my pet pig into a national forest? I’ll be danged if I’ll stand for that.”
At a press conference unveiling the new agency, BOREFR’s appointed director, Elbert Jebediah Twiddle, formerly a senior Ranger at Toadstool National Park, assured the public that operations will run smoothly. “Whether you’re a law-abiding gun owner, a simple nature enthusiast, or a hardened poacher, BOREFR is here to serve,” he stated confidently. “We plan to take a ‘one-stop-shop’ approach to regulation. That way, if you get caught carrying an unregistered firearm in a national park, we can issue you a gun permit and a camping violation all in the same visit.”
Despite repeated questions, no one from the administration has been able to articulate how BOREFR will function or where funding will come from. “Details are being worked out. That’s all I can say” muttered one anonymous source before fleeing the press briefing room.
For further information, citizens are encouraged to contact The Western Kentucky Archery Journal or The Midwestern Elk & Ballistics Monthly, neither of which have acknowledged any involvement in the matter.
Media Contact:
Horace L. Zibbleman
Director of Public Unrelations
Email: inquiries@notarealemail.gov
Phone: (402) 555-0199 (Disconnected)
Cornelius Hiram Sproggins has authored such investigative pieces as “Why Do Squirrels Hate Me?”, “The Conspiracy Behind Free Hotel Breakfasts”, and “A Comprehensive Guide to Escaping Conversations at Family Reunions.”
