The Toadspit Gazette
February 7, 2025
By Percival H. Greeblethorpe
Published by The Toadspit Gazette
Toadspit, Nebraska
In an unprecedented move designed to either streamline government operations or confuse everyone involved, the Trump administration has announced the formation of the Bureau of Energy, Housing, and Livestock Stability—a fusion of the Department of Energy and the Department of Housing and Urban Development, with a surprise cameo by, you guessed it, livestock.
“If we can harness cow body heat to power microwaves in urban apartments, then frankly, the future is udderly promising.”
– Cletus Farnsworth Wimple
According to the hastily typed press release, the Department of Energy and the Department of Housing and Urban Development will, “optimize the intersectionality of residential sustainability with bovine energy efficiency metrics.” Whatever that means. The Department’s mission statement, unveiled using an off-brand PowerPoint presentation, boasts a commitment to “enhancing the thermal dynamics of suburban living while addressing the emotional well-being of rural cattle.”
Dr. Cletus Farnsworth Wimple, Professor Emeritus of Ambiguous Policy Studies at North Dakota Technical Institute for the Generally Adequate, praised the initiative, “This is exactly the type of integrative, synergistic governmental realignment we’ve been waiting for since the great goat surplus of 1987. If we can harness cow body heat to power microwaves in urban apartments, then frankly, the future is udderly promising.”
But, not everyone is thrilled. Hortense Blodgett-Gruff, Chairperson of the Concerned Citizens for Sensible Bureaucracy, expressed deep concern at a sparsely attended town hall meeting held outside at a Dairy Queen parking lot, “What does this even mean? My cousin Virgil tried to explain it to me, but he fell asleep halfway through. I don’t know if we’re supposed to house the cows, power the houses with cows, or teach cows to rent apartments. It’s deeply unsettling.”
Meanwhile, Elwood Thistlepot, a self-proclaimed Energy-Livestock Integration Specialist, defended the concept with passion, “The cow is the unsung hero of renewable energy. Have you ever felt the side of a cow in winter? That’s free heat, people. Free heat! We’ve been ignoring our warm, mooing batteries for too long.”
Residents of Toadspit remain confused but cautiously indifferent. Local handyman Festus J. Crankle observed, “As long as my light switches still work and no one tries to put a heifer in my basement, I don’t much care.”
For more details, please refer all inquiries to The International Journal of Puzzling Governance or The Greater Midwest Poultry Digest.
Contact Information:
Media Contact: Euphemia Tiddlewick
Deputy Assistant to the Associate Interim Liaison of Communications
Email: notsure@ifthisisreal.gov
Phone: 1-800-555-NEIGH
Percival H. Greeblethorpe is an award-winning journalist known for his hard-hitting pieces, including “The Great Toaster Recall of ’92: A Crumbly Situation,” “Mismatched Socks and the Fall of Western Civilization,” and “The Day the Squirrels Took Over Town Hall.”
