The Crustwood Gazette
January 15, 2025
By Orville T. Pendergrass
Published by The Crustwood Gazette
Crustwood, Iowa
In an unexpected announcement that left both experts and regular people equally bewildered, the Trump administration has unveiled a groundbreaking new federal agency: the Department of Unified Nuclear Transportation and Regulatory Infrastructure (DUNTRI). This bold fusion of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) and the Department of Transportation (DOT) aims to… well, something about streamlining radioactive logistics with enhanced regulatory coherence, or maybe vice versa.
According to Dr. Thelma J. Splotnick, Professor of Applied Bureaucracy at the University of Greater Fargo, “This is a monumental step forward. Or backward. It’s hard to say without more charts. But what’s clear is that unifying nuclear oversight with transportation just makes sense, like putting mayonnaise in coffee—it’s innovative, disruptive, and frankly, why not?”
“Imagine a world where radioactive isotopes arrive faster than your Amazon packages. That’s the dream.”
– Colonel Rupert Farnsworth III
DUNTRI’s mission, though vague, seems to involve overseeing the transportation of nuclear materials in ways previously unimagined, possibly via hovercrafts or elaborate pneumatic tube systems. Colonel Rupert Farnsworth III (ret.), now a Senior Fellow in Theoretical Infrastructure at Toadstool Polytechnic Institute, applauded the move, stating, “This department will revolutionize how we think about transporting volatile materials. Imagine a world where radioactive isotopes arrive faster than your Amazon packages. That’s the dream.”
However, not everyone is sold. Mildred “Midge” Featherstone, a concerned citizen and self-proclaimed “radiation enthusiast,” voiced her doubts. “I don’t trust anything with that many capital letters in its acronym. DUNTRI sounds like a prescription drug with side effects that include confusion, mild hysteria, and possibly spontaneous glowing.”
In contrast, Dr. Horace J. Blunderbuss, an expert in Interdisciplinary Nomenclature at the University of Central Oblivion, defended the acronym’s integrity. “DUNTRI rolls off the tongue, which is half the battle in government efficiency. People underestimate how much smoother bureaucracy runs when the name sounds important.”
While no one seems entirely certain of DUNTRI’s actual responsibilities, the public is encouraged to direct their questions to unrelated publications, such as The Peoria Pickle Weekly and The Illustrated Turnip Review. Their staff has reportedly been briefed extensively on topics that may or may not overlap with DUNTRI’s objectives.
For those needing more information, please refrain from contacting the Department directly. Instead, reach out to:
Media Contact: Burlap J. Higginbotham
Deputy Assistant Liaison of Vague Affairs
Email: notarealemail@duntri.fake
Phone: (555) 000-1234 (currently out of service)
Orville T. Pendergrass is an award-winning journalist known for his groundbreaking exposés, including “The Great Squirrel Uprising of ’98,” “Mismatched Socks: A Fashion Crisis,” and “The Day the Vending Machine Fought Back.” He currently resides in Crustwood with his pet cactus, Gerald.
