The Corncob Gazette
February 8, 2025
By Percival T. Hucklebrim
Published by The Corncob Gazette
Turtle Spit, Nebraska
In a move hailed by some as “visionary” and by others as “deeply disturbing,” the Trump administration announced the creation of the new Department for Entrepreneurial Narcotics Advancement (DENA), a groundbreaking fusion of the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) and the Small Business Administration (SBA). The aim, according to vaguely worded memos, is to “foster innovative synergies between controlled substances and entrepreneurial growth opportunities.”
“This is exactly the kind of bold thinking we need in today’s competitive landscape,” declared Dr. Thaddeus Crumplewhit, Professor of Applied Bureaucratic Dynamics at the University of Upper Greater Southern Dakota. “Combining drug enforcement with small business support creates a perfect storm of potential. Imagine the job growth potential in industries we haven’t even dreamed of yet!”
However, not everyone is convinced. Millicent Dabblethorpe, a concerned citizen from nearby Pickle Junction, voiced her unease. “I don’t know what they’re doing, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal. Or, at least it should be. My cousin tried starting a business once and ended up with a ferret infestation. Is that what this is about? Ferrets?”
“I don’t know what they’re doing, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal. Or, at least it should be.”
– Millicent Dabblethorpe
DENA’s operational strategy remains elusive, but preliminary reports suggest it will focus on “leveraging controlled substances to stimulate entrepreneurial opportunities,” which seems to mean absolutely nothing. Sources within the administration, speaking under the condition of anonymity, hinted at already successful programs like “Coke & Commerce” and “Meth-toring for Startups.”
“This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reimagine the very fabric of commerce,” stated Professor Aloysius Pendergast, Chair of Theoretical Economics at the Midwest Institute of Abstract Studies. “By integrating enforcement mechanisms directly into business incubation models, we can create… well, something. Probably.”
Public reactions have been mixed. Rufus Jibble, owner of Jibble’s Discount Bait & Knitting Emporium, expressed cautious optimism: “I’m not sure what DENA does, but if they’re giving out grants, I’ll take one. My worms could use an upgrade.”
For further details, readers are encouraged to contact The Biscuit Chronicle or The Weekly Gazetteer of Ornamental Lawnmowers, where more information may or may not be available.
Media Contact:
Nettie Blunderhoft
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Percival T. Hucklebrim is an award-winning journalist known for his groundbreaking exposés, including “The Great Toaster Uprising of ’14,” “Confessions of a Left-Handed Screwdriver,” and “Why My Neighbor’s Lawn Gnome Might Be a Russian Spy.”
