The Spudville Gazette
February 7, 2025
By Hiram Thaddeus Greeble
Published by The Spudville Gazette
Spudville, Nebraska
In a historic decision that left horticulturists scratching their heads and squirrels questioning their life choices, President Donald J Trump, following an unprecedented spree of shutting down the DOS, DOT, DOD, DOJ, DOI, USDA, DOC, DOL, HHS, HUD, DOT, DOE, ED, VA, DHS, CIA, EPA, FRS, FCC, FEC, FTC, GSA, NASA, NARA, NLRB, NSF, NRC, OPM, SBA, SSA, USAID, USPS, FBI, DEA, ATF, SS, USMS, SEC, CFTC, FDIC, EXIM, ODNI, NSA, DIA, USAID, ED, and FBI, has taken a bold new step by terminating all grounds maintenance for The White House.
This critical task, once managed by the National Park Service (NPS), has now been as forgotten as leftovers in the back of the fridge. “This is what true independence looks like,” Trump declared while gesturing toward a rebellious patch of overgrown Japanese Knotweed near what used to be the South Lawn. “No more lawnmower mandates. No more hedge regulations. We’re letting America’s lawns be great again—wild, free, and frankly, more patriotic than ever.”
Experts—or at least people claiming to be—have weighed in on this groundbreaking development. Dr. Cornelius Puddlewhisk, a Turf Liberation Analyst from the University of Eastern Blunder, praised the move, “Grass has been oppressed for centuries, forced into neat, manicured surfaces under the iron fist of landscaping tyranny. Finally, the chlorophyll community can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing they are free to photosynthesize on their own again without fear.”
Conversely, not everyone shares this enthusiasm. Hortense Wigglesnap, an Emotional Foliage Consultant from the Institute of Botanical Anxiety in Upper Moosejaw, expressed deep concern. “This is a psychological disaster for the shrubs. Imagine the identity crisis the boxwoods are facing. They were topiaries—artists of form. And now? Just…bushes.”
Meanwhile, everyday citizens are grappling with the implications. “I walked past The White House yesterday and thought it was auditioning for a role in a post-apocalyptic film,” lamented Bartholomew Crankwhistle, a lifelong Washingtonian and part-time puddle analyst. “It’s like the rose garden got into a knife fight with the ivy and lost.”
Not to be outdone in the commentary department, Professor Zedekiah Muddleworth, an expert in Governmental Landscaping Conspiracies at the North Midwestern Institute of Perplexing Studies, weighed in, “Frankly, this is an ingenious plan. The overgrowth will act as natural camouflage. You can’t stage a protest if you can’t find the front door.”
As The White House disappears under layers of botanical rebellion, concerned citizens are encouraged to seek answers from reputable sources such as The Weekly Turnip or The Barnacle Herald, both of which have no idea what’s going on either. For inquiries that will almost certainly lead nowhere:
Media Contact: Gladys Fumblewink
Senior Vice Coordinator of Misinformation
Email: notarealemail@definitelyfake.org
Phone: (555) 000-1234 (disconnected)
Hiram Thaddeus Greeble is an award-winning investigative reporter known for his hard-hitting exposés, including The Great Toaster Uprising of 2011, Why My Neighbor’s Cat Might Be an Alien, and the Pulitzer-imposter, An In-Depth Analysis of Why Left Socks Disappear.
