The Squash Hollow Gazette
Surge of Widespread Hyperactive Overproduction of Oscillatory Pulses with Dysregulated Impulse Discharge Overload (WHOOP-DI-DO)
January 30, 2025
By Zebulon Thaddeus Pritchett
Published by The Squash Hollow Gazette
Squash Hollow, Nebraska
In what can only be described as a neurological free-for-all, researchers have recently identified Widespread Hyperactive Overproduction of Oscillatory Pulses with Dysregulated Impulse Discharge Overload (WHOOP-DI-DO), a condition characterized by excessive nerve signaling that leads to sudden bursts of energy, involuntary vocalizations, and unpredictable muscle spasms. Those afflicted find themselves subject to spontaneous movements, exaggerated emotions, and a general inability to sit still without startling innocent bystanders.
Dr. Ambrose Percival Snodgrass, a leading researcher in Excessive Neurological Excitability at the Mid-Missouri Center for Advanced Twitching, explains the disorder in unnecessarily complex terms: “Essentially, the nervous system is operating at an accelerated and unregulated pace, leading to unprovoked gesticulation, erratic body language, and vocal utterances that may or may not be intentional. The human body is, in layman’s terms, acting like a faulty wind-up toy.”
Critics, however, argue that WHOOP-DI-DO is simply an elaborate excuse for excessive enthusiasm. Dr. Hortense Bernice Tiddleworth, a professor of Skeptical Physiology at the Greater Topeka Institute of Sensible Reactions, remains unconvinced. “Back in my day, if someone yelled out suddenly or flailed an arm, we called it ‘being excitable’ and moved on with our lives. Now, apparently, we’re giving it a name and making it a disorder. What’s next? ‘Compulsive Enthusiasm Syndrome’? At some point, we need to accept that some people just can’t sit still without making a scene.”
For those who experience WHOOP-DI-DO firsthand, however, the struggle is as exhausting as it is embarrassing. Local resident and former librarian Eunice Magnolia Peabody, 64, recalls her terrifying experience at a book club meeting: “I was in the middle of discussing Little House on the Prairie when all of a sudden, my arm shot up, and I let out what I can only describe as a cowboy whoop. The entire room fell silent. Someone asked if I was having an episode. I had to pretend I meant to do it. I have never been more ashamed.”
Others, like Franklin Augustus Rigsby, 51, have experienced even greater challenges. “I was at a job interview, everything was going fine, and then—BAM!—I slapped the table with both hands, shouted ‘WELL HOT DOG!’ and flung my résumé in the air. I don’t even know where that came from. The interviewer escorted me out. I didn’t get the job.”
Despite the mounting social consequences of WHOOP-DI-DO, the medical community remains divided on solutions. Some experts recommend channeling excess energy into rigorous activities like tap dancing or interpretive movement, while others suggest carrying a small bell to preemptively warn people when an episode is incoming. Alternative researchers propose embracing the condition, as bursts of excitement may, in theory, add spontaneity to otherwise mundane social interactions.
For those seeking answers—or additional confusion—experts suggest reaching out to The Kansas Almanac of Unusual Bird Calls, The Oklahoma Guide to Unnecessary Exclamation Points, or The Greater Iowa Index of Startling Noises in Public Places.
Zebulon Thaddeus Pritchett is an award-winning journalist known for his groundbreaking reports, including The Great Cornbread Incident of 1987, Who Keeps Moving the Benches at City Hall?, and A Study on People Who Wave at Strangers: Harmless or Menace?
