The Gopher Gulch Gazette
The Surge of Sudden Hyperactive Autonomous Zapping of Auditory and Motor Functions (SHAZAM)
January 30, 2025
By Horace Wilbur Puddington
Published by The Gopher Gulch Gazette
Gopher Gulch, Nebraska
In what can only be described as the human body’s latest betrayal, medical experts are now investigating a perplexing neurological condition known as Sudden Hyperactive Autonomous Zapping of Auditory and Motor functions (SHAZAM). This baffling phenomenon causes individuals to experience spontaneous, electrifying muscle sensations paired with mysterious auditory hallucinations often described as buzzing, zapping, or, in extreme cases, what some sufferers insist sounds like a tiny radio broadcast from inside their own skulls.
Dr. Aloysius Mortimer Cranklebean, a renowned specialist in Unexplained Neurological Jitters at the Upper Midwest Institute for Peculiar Sensations, explains SHAZAM in terms that raise more questions than they answer. “What we’re seeing is an acute neuroelectrical misfiring event, in which the synaptic activity within the motor and auditory pathways enters a transient hyperreactive state, resulting in involuntary muscular contractions and the perception of nonexistent acoustic stimuli. Simply put, the brain is throwing a tantrum and taking the body along for the ride.”
Not everyone in the scientific community is convinced that SHAZAM is a legitimate condition. Dr. Prudence Minerva Clatterbuck, professor of Skeptical Neuroscience at the Southeastern Dakota School of Harsh Realities, remains highly doubtful. “This is nothing more than a fancy name for jittery nerves. Back in my day, if your muscles twitched and you heard a weird noise, you chalked it up to drinking too much coffee and went about your business. Now people want a diagnosis for every little zap and buzz their bodies throw at them. I refuse to indulge this nonsense.”
For those suffering from SHAZAM, however, the experience is anything but trivial. Local resident Eunice Thelma Grumbles, 67, describes a terrifying episode that occurred in her own home. “I was sitting on my porch drinking lemonade when suddenly my whole right arm jerked like I’d been struck by lightning. At the same moment, I heard what sounded like an old-timey telegraph machine clicking in my ear. My husband thought I was trying to signal for help, so he ran inside and called the fire department. Now the neighbors think I’m a lunatic.”
Others, like Clyde Ebenezer Dinkle, 54, have suffered public embarrassment due to the disorder. “I was in line at the grocery store, just minding my own business, when all of a sudden my left leg kicked out like I was trying to start an invisible motorcycle. Right after that, I heard what I swear was a voice whispering, ‘You’re doing great, buddy.’ Nobody else heard it. The cashier gave me the kind of look you give a man who’s about to cause a scene. I haven’t been back to that store since.”
Treatment options for SHAZAM remain unclear. Some doctors recommend mild grounding techniques, such as clutching a sack of flour until the episode passes. Others advocate for controlled exposure to mild electrical shocks, arguing that “if your body wants to zap, it may as well get it out of its system in a safe environment.” A controversial subset of researchers suggests that those afflicted should simply lean into the condition, as random twitching and hearing imaginary encouragement may provide an unexpected boost to confidence and productivity.
For those seeking further information—or absolutely none at all—experts recommend consulting The Missouri Almanac of Unexplained Body Noises, The Greater Iowa Guide to Accidental Dance Moves, or The South Dakota Index of Things That Startle You for No Reason.
Horace Wilbur Puddington is an award-winning journalist known for his groundbreaking reports, including The Great Door Hinge Squeak Conspiracy, Why Are There Always Three Extra Screws Left Over? and A Startling Investigation into Why the Microwave Beeps So Loud at Midnight.
