The Pickle Creek Observer
The Impact of Transient Obsessive-Compulsive Outbursts with Disruptive Locomotor Egress and Overactive Orientation (TOODLE-OO)
January 30, 2025
By Buford Lysander Crumplethorp
Published by The Pickle Creek Observer
Pickle Creek, South Dakota
A baffling new behavioral syndrome is sweeping through unsuspecting households, leaving friends, family, and innocent bystanders trapped in an endless cycle of waves, nods, and doorframe hesitations. Experts are calling it Transient Obsessive-Compulsive Outbursts with Disruptive Locomotor Egress and Overactive Orientation—TOODLE-OO for short—a condition marked by compulsive farewell rituals, excessive goodbyes, and an uncontrollable urge to leave and return multiple times before actually departing.
Dr. Cornelius Mortimer Figglehorn, an expert in Social Exit Disorders at the Northern Iowa Institute of Unnecessary Research, explains the mechanics of TOODLE-OO in terms so convoluted they barely clarify anything: “What we are observing is a disruption in the neurological pathway responsible for concluding interpersonal engagements. The brain, unable to properly process the finality of parting, initiates a secondary loop of departure reinforcement, often in the form of a repeated hand gesture or an awkward return to the threshold.”
Not everyone is convinced that TOODLE-OO is a genuine disorder. Dr. Winifred Opal Snagglesworth, a professor of Behavioral Realism at the Southeastern Kansas Academy of Common Sense, remains skeptical. “This isn’t a medical condition—it’s politeness gone rogue. In my day, if someone took too long to say goodbye, we simply shut the door in their face and moved on. Now, instead of taking social cues, people want to slap a diagnosis on their inability to just walk to their car and drive away. Frankly, I’m disgusted.”
For those living with TOODLE-OO, however, the condition is no laughing matter. Mildred Euphemia Pickens, 78, describes the sheer exhaustion of her daily battles with departure. “Just last week, I tried to leave my neighbor’s house after dropping off some peach cobbler, but my feet wouldn’t cooperate. I waved, turned, walked a few steps, turned back, said ‘Well, I best be going,’ and then did it all over again for at least fifteen minutes. At one point, I found myself standing in their entryway clutching my purse like I had nowhere to be. I haven’t been back since.”
Others, like Clovis Percival Ditheridge, 55, have faced more extreme consequences. “I was at a wedding and attempted to say goodbye to my cousin, but TOODLE-OO kicked in. I waved, hugged, started walking away, waved again, came back, patted him on the shoulder, then inexplicably mentioned the weather. By the time I finally made it to my car, the reception was over, the bride and groom had left, and the venue staff had started stacking chairs. I’m now banned from future family functions.”
Treatment options for TOODLE-OO remain murky. Some researchers recommend forcibly breaking the cycle by deploying a firm, unsentimental exit strategy, such as a one-word farewell followed by immediate disappearance. Others suggest embracing the disorder, noting that repeated goodbyes may contribute to a more fulfilling social experience, provided everyone involved is willing to cancel their afternoon plans.
For those seeking further enlightenment—or even greater confusion—experts suggest consulting The Western Nebraska Almanac of Confusing Hand Gestures, The Oklahoma Guide to Closing a Conversation Without It Dragging On, or The Greater Topeka Index of Social Faux Pas That Will Haunt You Forever.
Buford Lysander Crumplethorp is an award-winning journalist known for his investigative reports, including The Great Folding Chair Conspiracy of 1992, Why Are There Always Five Extra Cookies in a Package?, and A Deep Dive into People Who Knock on Doors But Don’t Actually Want to Go Inside.
