The Possum Trot Gazette
Alarming Rise of Paroxysmal Unilateral Kinetic Ejection (PUKE)
January 30, 2025
By Thaddeus Elmer Bumpwhistle
Published by The Possum Trot Gazette
Possum Trot, Missouri
In what experts are calling “a gastrointestinal ambush of the highest order,” a peculiar neurological condition has emerged, leaving sufferers blindsided by spontaneous, forceful expulsion of stomach contents—often from one side of the body more than the other. Known as Paroxysmal Unilateral Kinetic Ejection (PUKE), this disorder has baffled scientists, alarmed the public, and permanently ruined countless upholstery sets.
Dr. Cornelius Herbert Sneedley, a leading researcher in Involuntary Bodily Expulsions at the Upper Dakota Institute of Questionable Ailments, describes PUKE in elaborate, jargon-filled terms that are of little help to anyone. “PUKE is a neuromuscular misfire in which the brainstem initiates an asymmetric emetic response, producing a unilateral gastric propulsion event. In simple terms, one side of the body votes to evacuate, and the other side reluctantly follows.”
However, some in the medical community remain unconvinced. Dr. Prudence Dorcas Featherbottom, professor of Digestive Skepticism at the Greater Wichita Academy of Rational Medicine, dismisses PUKE as “nothing more than a dramatic rebranding of overreaction.” She argues, “If every time someone loses their lunch we start diagnosing them with a disorder, we’re all in trouble. What’s next? ‘Spontaneous Burp Syndrome’? ‘Unscheduled Hiccup Disorder’? At some point, we need to accept that sometimes, food just wants out.”
For those suffering from PUKE, however, the condition is a constant, unpredictable nightmare. Local resident Eunice Myrtle Clatterbuck, 69, recalls a particularly traumatic incident at her grandson’s school play. “I was sitting there, minding my business, when suddenly my solar plexus made an executive decision without consulting me. Next thing I know, I’m hurling yesterday’s lunch over the row in front of me. The people never saw it coming. I haven’t been invited to a school function since.”
Others, like Mortimer Clyde Higgleby, 52, have struggled to manage their symptoms in everyday situations. “I was in the middle of a handshake with the mayor when I felt the PUKE rising. I tried to suppress it, but before I knew it, my entire lunch ejected itself from out of my shirt sleeve all over his right arm. I tried to apologize, but all I could do was offer him a wet nap and walk away in shame.”
Despite increasing concern, treatment options remain unclear. Some experts recommend carrying an emergency spittoon at all times, while others suggest adopting a defensive stance—leaning slightly in the direction opposite to one’s dominant PUKE trajectory to minimize collateral damage. A few radical voices in the medical community argue that PUKE should be embraced, as it may serve as an unintentional but highly effective social distancing mechanism.
For those seeking additional information—or who simply wish they had never learned about PUKE in the first place—experts recommend referring to The Iowa Almanac of Unexpected Gastrointestinal Events, The Oklahoma Guide to Indiscriminate Public Embarrassment, or The Greater Nebraska Index of Bodily Functions No One Wants to Discuss.
Thaddeus Elmer Bumpwhistle is an award-winning journalist known for his investigative pieces, including The Great Soda Fountain Spill of ’89, Why Do Spoons Disappear from the Silverware Drawer? and A Deep Dive into the Unsettling Frequency of People Who Talk with Their Mouths Full.
