Hogwash Junction Clarion
The Startling Reality of Yellowish Adipose Hyperplasia Optical Obstruction (YAHOO)
January 30, 2025
By Percival Aloysius Finklebean
Published by The Hogwash Junction Clarion
Hogwash Junction, Kansas
In what can only be described as an ocular catastrophe of gelatinous proportions, a growing number of individuals are being diagnosed with Yellowish Adipose Hyperplasia Optical Obstruction (YAHOO), a rare yet increasingly misunderstood condition where excessive fatty deposits around the eyes create partial to complete visual obstruction. This phenomenon, often mistaken for extreme squinting or chronic skepticism, is now demanding urgent attention from the medical community—or at least those who haven’t dismissed it outright.
Dr. Horatio Wilbur Peabody, a leading researcher in Unusual Dermatological Encroachments at the Upper Missouri Institute for Unsettling Aesthetic Anomalies, explains the disorder in terms so elaborate that they barely clarify anything: “What we’re dealing with is an abnormal proliferation of adipose tissue in the periorbital region, leading to an incremental occlusion of the ocular pathway. In simpler terms, the face is growing its own blinds.”
Despite growing awareness, not everyone is convinced that YAHOO is a real issue. Dr. Gwendolyn Myrtle Clapsaddle, a professor of Skeptical Pathologies at the Greater Nebraska Academy of Rational Thinking, remains dubious. “This is nothing more than a glorified case of unfortunate weight distribution. When I was a child, if someone’s face got too puffy, we didn’t call it a disorder—we called it ‘bad luck’ and carried on. At some point, people need to take personal responsibility for the fat sneaking up on their own eyeballs.”
For those suffering from YAHOO, however, the struggle is all too real. Local resident Mildred Dorcas Pumpernickel, 74, describes her ordeal: “I thought my glasses were just dirty, but then I realized it was my own face blocking my vision. I’ve walked into six different screen doors this month alone. My family says I should just ‘feel my way through life,’ but that’s not a real solution, now is it?”
Others, like Chester Mortimer Dibble, 58, have faced even greater consequences. “I was playing bingo at the senior center when suddenly I couldn’t see my card. Turns out, my eyelid fat had folded over itself, and I missed my chance at a blackout win. I lost a $25 gift card to Applebee’s that day. I’ll never recover from that.”
The medical community remains split on how to address YAHOO. Some suggest rigorous facial calisthenics, including rapid eyebrow lifting and aggressive squinting, while others propose more extreme measures, such as strategically applied adhesive tape to hold rogue face fat at bay. A smaller but louder group insists that those affected should embrace their condition, arguing that built-in face curtains may provide natural sun protection and prevent the burden of maintaining expensive sunglasses.
For those seeking additional information—or absolutely none at all—experts recommend consulting The Oklahoma Almanac of Unfortunate Facial Conditions, The Minnesota Guide to Seeing Around Your Own Body Fat, or The Greater Wichita Journal of Unsolicited Medical Opinions.
Percival Aloysius Finklebean is a celebrated investigative journalist known for his award-winning reports, including The Mystery of the Disappearing Left Sock, Who Keeps Rearranging the Items in the Grocery Store?, and A Comprehensive Study of People Who Walk Too Slow in Crowded Areas.
