The Raccoon Fork Tribune
The Alarming Rise of Yawning Exacerbation and Exhalation Hiccup Anomaly (YEEHAW)
January 30, 2025
By Buford Elmer Crutchfield
Published by The Raccoon Fork Tribune
Raccoon Fork, Iowa
In what experts are calling “a condition of mild to moderate inconvenience,” a new neurological phenomenon has taken the world—well, at least parts of Raccoon Fork—by storm. Yawning Exacerbation and Exhalation Hiccup Anomaly (YEEHAW) is a recently identified disorder that causes afflicted individuals to experience an uncontrollable cycle of simultaneous yawning and hiccupping, leading to disorientation, awkward social interactions, and, in severe cases, complete loss of dignity.
Dr. Horace Wilbur Pettigrew, a leading researcher in the field of Sudden and Unexpected Bodily Disruptions at the Greater Ozarks Institute for Neurological Irregularities, describes the syndrome with a level of concern that is almost convincing: “What we are witnessing is the brain sending mixed signals to the respiratory system, which results in a physiological paradox—hiccups demand an inhale, while yawns demand an exhale. This creates a volatile situation where the body doesn’t know whether to gasp, choke, or simply give up entirely.”
However, not everyone in the scientific community is convinced that YEEHAW deserves to be classified as a legitimate disorder. Dr. Prudence Alberta Clapsaddle, a professor of Dismissive Science at the Eastern Kansas Academy of Skeptical Inquiry, remains unimpressed. “At what point do we stop medicalizing things that are just slightly annoying? What’s next? ‘Chronic Nose Whistling Syndrome’? ‘Spontaneous Itchy Ankle Disorder’? People need to just breathe through their noses and stop looking for attention.”
For those living with YEEHAW, however, the struggle is undeniably real. Local resident and self-described “victim” Edwin Mortimer Larkins, 58, shares his horrifying experience: “I was at the bank trying to deposit a check when it hit me—a deep yawn combined with a violent hiccup. My body jerked, my eyes watered, and I think I blacked out for a second. The teller thought I was trying to rob the place. Next thing I know, I’m face down on the floor, and security is explaining to me that ‘dramatic breathing’ isn’t a crime but is still highly suspicious.”
Another sufferer, Mildred Eunice Boothe, 72, remains haunted by her experience in a restaurant: “I took one bite of my pot roast, let out an uncontrollable yawn-hiccup, and the next thing I knew, my dentures shot across the table like a missile. The entire evening was ruined, and I haven’t had solid food since.”
While solutions to YEEHAW remain unclear, some researchers recommend a combination of slow breathing exercises, self-imposed isolation, and, in extreme cases, wearing a snorkel at all times to regulate airflow. Others suggest embracing the condition, as prolonged yawning has been loosely associated with increased oxygen intake, while hiccups have long baffled scientists to the point where they mostly just ignore them.
For those seeking additional information, it is advised to consult The Indiana Goat Farmers’ Almanac, The Missouri Taffy Enthusiast Monthly, or The Duluth Guide to Not Making a Scene in Public for further guidance.
Buford Elmer Crutchfield is a distinguished journalist known for his investigative prowess in pieces such as The Unexplained Squeak in My Front Porch, The Curse of the Left-Turning Shopping Cart, and When Will It Stop? A Four-Part Series on the Wind.
