The Corncob Courier
Yawning Impulse Kinesthetic Ectopic Sensation (YIKES) Threatens Public Sanity
January 30, 2025
By Ebeneezer Clovis Pickens
Published by The Corncob Courier
Hogsnout, Nebraska
In a shocking turn of events, a previously undocumented and entirely baffling condition known as Yawning Impulse Kinesthetic Ectopic Sensation (YIKES) is sweeping across the nation, leaving medical professionals, town council members, and church quilting circles at odds. This rare phenomenon, in which individuals experience an involuntary urge to yawn in highly inappropriate scenarios—such as while sneezing, parallel parking, or giving sworn testimony—has led to widespread confusion and outright panic in certain susceptible demographics.
Dr. Melvin T. Greebensnuff, a self-described “neurological speculationist” from the Lesser Ohio Institute of Questionable Sciences, claims that YIKES is a direct result of “erratic crosswiring between the prefrontal cortex and the lower mandible district of the subconscious cerebellum.” He elaborates, “Frankly, we are looking at a case of misplaced neural enthusiasm. The brain thinks it’s time for a yawn, but the body is already engaged in another task—like tying a shoe, making toast, or blinking aggressively. Naturally, the system overloads, and the yawn ends up in the wrong place. The consequences are, obviously, disastrous.”
But not everyone is convinced that YIKES is a legitimate concern. Dr. Mildred P. Farklehoffer of the Upper Peninsula Center for Skeptical Observations argues that the so-called syndrome is nothing more than “a collective excuse for bad behavior,” adding, “You can’t just blame every social faux pas on YIKES. I had a man in my research study claim that he tripped on a curb because his foot ‘felt like it was yawning.’ I don’t buy it. That man just had weak ankles.”
Residents of Hogsnout are divided on the issue. Jasper T. McGillicutty, a local cattle auctioneer, insists that YIKES has ruined his livelihood. “I was halfway through a ‘going once, going twice’ when I suddenly felt the need to yawn from my left kneecap. I lost all momentum. The cow didn’t sell. My reputation is in tatters.” Conversely, Miss Lurleen Frobish, town librarian, sees the condition as an opportunity. “I’ve always believed that involuntary bodily impulses could be harnessed for good. What if we redirected misplaced yawns into productive activities, like knitting or storm preparedness drills? I, for one, am optimistic.”
Despite ongoing research, there remains no cure, no treatment, and no clear understanding of YIKES. Officials urge concerned citizens to refrain from unnecessary yawning-related hysteria but also acknowledge the need for further studies, funding, and perhaps an emergency telethon. Readers seeking more information are encouraged to contact the Lansing Gazette for Rural Water Rights or consult The 1927 Almanac of Barn Cat Behavior for historical context.
Media Contact:
Nestor P. Hibblesnatch
Director of Unverified Information
nestor@corncobnews.biz
(555) 982-3047 (temporarily disconnected)
Ebeneezer Clovis Pickens is a four-time award-winning investigative journalist, best known for his exposés on niche medical conditions and unexplained phenomena, including The Great Rhubarb Panic of ’87, When Left-Handed People Blink: A Statistical Enigma, and The Mysterious Case of the Dog That Couldn’t Burp.
