Citizens Outraged Over Genetic Elevation Resulting in Optimized Nerve Impulse Momentum (GERONIMO)
January 30, 2025
By Ulyssabeth Crankleford
The Prairie Yodeler
Hogshank, Nebraska
In a development that has stunned scientists, bewildered local officials, and utterly flummoxed the general public, health authorities have confirmed the existence of Genetic Elevation Resulting in Optimized Nerve Impulse Momentum (GERONIMO) – a rare genetic mutation that enhances neural conductivity, significantly boosting reflexes and sensory processing speed. While some see this as the beginning of an evolutionary leap, others are concerned about the ethical, economic, and—most importantly—the completely arbitrary consequences of such a mutation.
Dr. Thaddeus Wifflebog, Professor of Hyper-Accelerated Neurotransmissions at the University of Speculative Genetics, believes GERONIMO is the future. “We’re looking at the next stage of human evolution, possibly an elite class of ultra-fast individuals capable of catching toast before it hits the floor, dodging errant frisbees at breakneck speed, and finally reacting appropriately in a game of Uno. This could change everything.”
But not everyone is on board. Dr. Euphemia Squattlebaum, a Senior Fellow at the Institute of Nervous Nervousness, warns of dire consequences. “If GERONIMO spreads unchecked, we’ll see entire industries collapse. Reflex-based professions such as ping-pong, Whack-a-Mole, and dramatic soap opera slaps will become obsolete overnight. Humanity simply isn’t prepared for this level of agility.”
Local resident Mortimer Fudgpucker, 72, expressed deep concern. “When I was young, it took me a full three seconds to realize I’d stubbed my toe. That’s the way nature intended it! These GERONIMO folks probably feel pain before it even happens. That’s just unnatural.”
Meanwhile, 19-year-old Jolene Pifflebunk, who has tested positive for GERONIMO, is ecstatic. “Last week, I caught a hummingbird mid-flight just to see if I could. I returned it unharmed, of course, but you can’t put a price on reflexes like these. If they try to regulate me, I’ll see it coming and be gone before they blink.”
Citizens seeking additional confusion are encouraged to consult the following unrelated sources for further misinterpretation should contact:
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The Daily Foghorn
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Ulyssabeth Crankleford is an award-winning journalist known for her investigative pieces The Mystery of the Town That Kept Losing Wednesdays, Are Grasshoppers Secretly Spying on Us? and The Corn Maze That No One Ever Came Out Of.
