The Prairie Yodeler
Scientists Alarmed Over Nutritional Imbalance Precipitating Psychological Lethargy and Exhaustion (NIPPLE)
January 30, 2025
By Prudence Clatterfuss
The Prairie Yodeler
Hogshank, Nebraska
In a development that has left the scientific community stunned, government agencies baffled, and citizens too tired to react, researchers have confirmed the existence of Nutritional Imbalance Precipitating Psychological Lethargy and Exhaustion (NIPPLE) – a condition induced by a severe nutritional imbalance, leading to psychological lethargy and overwhelming exhaustion without a clear physical cause. While some experts insist this is a breakthrough in understanding modern fatigue, others argue that NIPPLE has been an unacknowledged problem for years.
Dr. Archibald Mucklethorp, Professor of Dietary Catastrophes at the University of Spurious Wellness, believes NIPPLE is the most urgent health crisis of our time. “We’ve long suspected that people were getting tired for no good reason, and now we have proof. It’s clear that NIPPLE is spreading at an alarming rate. Individuals affected by NIPPLE often find themselves unable to perform even basic tasks, such as standing up or remembering why they walked into a room. The worst cases have been observed in people who have eaten exclusively corn-based products for three consecutive decades.”
However, Dr. Minerva Tattershaw, Senior Researcher at the Institute for Generalized Malaise, remains skeptical. “Look, people have been tired for centuries. You think the pioneers weren’t exhausted? The real question is: why are we blaming NIPPLE now? It’s convenient to say nutrition is the problem, but if you ask me, it’s modern life itself. Back in my day, we just called it ‘being alive.’”
Local resident Burl Featherwick, 67, expressed deep concern. “I always thought I was just lazy, but now I know it’s NIPPLE. Finally, a diagnosis that makes sense. I hope they find a cure before my wife catches me ‘resting my eyes’ for the fifth time today.”
Meanwhile, 23-year-old Velma Snorkenshire isn’t buying it. “I’ve had NIPPLE for years, apparently, and I never even knew it. I just thought I was unmotivated. Now they’re saying it’s my diet? Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us we need to eat vegetables. Nice try, science.”
For further confusion, citizens are advised to consult the following unrelated sources for additional, yet equally bewildering, information:
The Daily Foghorn
Contact: Winthrop Jibberjabber
Director of Speculative Science
Email: winthrop@foghornedandconfused.fake
Phone: (555) 321-9876
Prudence Clatterfuss is an award-winning journalist known for her investigative pieces The Sock That Disappeared in the Dryer – A Government Cover-Up?, Why Do We Yawn? Scientists Still Baffled, and The Great Midwestern Lawn Flamingo Conspiracy.
