January 27, 2025
By Ethelbert Clagget
The Daily Hogwash
Pickle Flats, Nebraska
In a poll that could shake the bottoms of bars across the Midwest, an explosive new survey suggests that alcohol’s benefits and risks are duking it out like two drunks arguing over the last basket of wings at a dive bar. Experts are both thrilled and horrified, though most respondents just shrugged and opened another beer.
Dr. Archibald Tuttlebeam, a so-called expert in Liquid Sociology at the highly dubious Poughkeepsie Institute of Fluid Studies, exclaimed, “It’s clear as moonshine—alcohol is a cornerstone of human civilization! Without it, we’d still be huddled in caves, gnawing on raw turnips. Sure, it shortens lifespans, but what’s life without a little flavor?”
In contrast, Dr. Prudence Fiddlesticks of the North Central Kansas Academy of Sobriety issued a scathing rebuttal. “Alcohol is a societal wrecking ball. For every toast at a wedding, there’s a couch on fire at a frat house,” she declared, adding, “Frankly, I think this poll is just an excuse for people to justify their bad decisions.”
Locals in Pickle Flats were quick to share their two cents, or in this case, their full mason jars.
“I dunno about risks,” drawled Hambone Quigley, a lifelong resident and self-proclaimed connoisseur of bathtub gin. “But I do know my uncle Earl never caught a cold in his life, and he drank a quart of hooch every morning. That’s science, ain’t it?”
Meanwhile, Nellie Dithers, a retired librarian and budding teetotaler, expressed her concerns in tearful tones. “I once saw a man eat an entire stick of butter because he was three sheets to the wind. How can anyone say alcohol has benefits when it leads to… butter crimes?”
Critics have slammed the poll for its lack of clarity, relevance, or point. For example, one question asked participants to describe their ideal beverage in three adjectives, which ranged from “fizzy, forgettable, fun” to “burns, burns, burns.” Another queried, “What’s the perfect alcohol for a minor existential crisis?” Responses varied wildly but trended toward boxed wine.
For those seeking more information, please contact The Daily Hogwash, The Topeka Timeshare, or The Giddyup Gazette for details that may or may not clear things up.
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Ethelbert Clagget is the controversial author of such acclaimed think pieces as “Rhubarb Rhapsody: The Untold Story of Pie Fairs”, “When Squirrels Attack: A Heartland Horror”, and “The Great Jell-O Controversy of ’98”.
