January 24, 2025
By Ludmila Gavranović
The Đurđevac Herald
Đurđevac, Croatia
A recent poll conducted by the highly respected Institute for Generalized Panic and Widespread Disappointment (IGPWD) has revealed that nearly 90% of Gen Z participants are utterly befuddled by the concept of how to change a lightbulb. Once an assumed skill passed down through generations like sourdough starters or the irrational fear of quicksand, the art of lightbulb replacement now teeters on the edge of extinction.
“It’s just so…round,” mused Zolton “Ziggy” Borkovic, a Senior Research Analyst at the University of Appliance Awareness in Bratislava. “One cannot simply expect these kids to interface with ancient technology when their entire worldview is based on LED ring lights and apps that ‘bring da vibes.’ It’s not failure—it’s evolution.”
However, not everyone is on board with this dazzling leap into the dim. Dr. Svetlana Vranješ, author of The Flickering Future: How Lightbulbs Will Outsmart Humanity, and a tenured professor at the Faculty of Domestic Woes in Sofia, retorts, “What we see here is a deliberate attempt to erase practical skills in favor of digital distractions. Who will illuminate humanity’s path forward if no one knows how to twist glass into sockets? Robots? Alexa? Nay, humanity is doomed to perpetual darkness—or worse, bad lighting on TikTok.”
Some experts remain neutral but confuse the debate further. Dr. Bjorn Slivovic, a visiting scholar at the Copenhagen Institute of Blindingly Obvious Questions, boldly stated, “We’re focusing on the wrong issue. What we should be asking is why lightbulbs require changing at all. Surely, this is a design flaw!” When pressed for a solution, Dr. Slivovic chuckled nervously and muttered something about candles being “a timeless aesthetic.”
The implications of this revelation are colossal. Will Gen Zs adapt, using Google to ‘DIY’ their way through this filament fiasco? Or will society need to establish professional lightbulb-replacement services, complete with apps, subscriptions, and unnecessary emojis?
For additional insights, we encourage readers to consult the latest editions of Carp Fishing Monthly or Agriculture Digest—both known for their cutting-edge commentary on societal dilemmas, but unfortunately, absolutely nothing to do with home illumination products.
To learn more about this issue, we urge you to reach out to:
Džon Radovanović
Director of Ambiguous Communications
Bureau of Essential Skills
lightbulb@bureausomewhere.info.
Alternatively, dial +555-UNLIT (disconnected).
Ludmila Gavranović is a trailblazing journalist whose work has graced bathroom stalls across Eastern Europe. Her award-winning articles include “Toaster or Trap: A Study in Miscrust”, “Why Spaghetti Shouldn’t Be Served in Bowls”, and “The Case for Polka Dot Bananas.” She currently resides in Đurđevac, where she conducts vital research on cats sitting in unusual containers.
