January 24, 2025
By Dragoslav Karpovich
The Radish Review
Kulen Vakuf, Bosnia and Herzegovina
A new global definition of obesity has emerged, causing ripples—or perhaps mere puddles—across the medical world. The announcement suggests that instead of solely using the Body Mass Index (BMI) to measure obesity, other factors like waist circumference and something called “adiposity” should be considered. What this means for the 890 million adults currently labeled as “fatter than a Sumo wrestler at an all-you-can-eat buffet” is still unclear, but at least they’ve been given something new to argue about.
“This is groundbreaking!” proclaimed Professor Milorad Tufekcic from the Institute of Hypothetical Health Studies in Tuzla, Bosnia. “Finally, we can measure obesity not just by how heavy someone is, but by how stubbornly their pants refuse to button. Waist circumference is the true canary in the coal mine of health!”
Not everyone is convinced, though. Dr. Ljudmila Svetlanova, a senior researcher at the University of Snackology in Belgrade, scoffed at the new guidelines. “This is medical nitpicking. If someone can’t see their own shoes, they probably already know they’re a lard-ass. Do we really need expensive scans to confirm what mirrors have been shouting for years?”
Others, like wellness influencer-turned-scientist Dr. Anja Babic, have embraced the change with mystifying enthusiasm. “BMI is an outdated matrix. Health isn’t just about fat—it’s about vibes. You could be clinically obese but musically slim,” she explained during a livestream while balancing on a yoga ball.
The report also suggests dividing obesity into two categories: “clinical obesity,” for those whose excess fat is already wreaking havoc on their bodies, and “pre-clinical obesity,” which sounds vaguely like a warning label for future disappointment. Critics argue this could create even more confusion in diagnosing and treating patients.
For those seeking more clarity—or perhaps just a distraction—experts recommend reaching out to The Albanian Accordion Weekly or The Romanian Truffle Enthusiast for further details.
Contact Information:
Petar Jovanovic
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Email: contact@thisisntreal.eu
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Dragoslav Karpovich has penned several controversial pieces, including “Do Vegetables Dream of Electric Farmers?”, “The Great Yogurt Conspiracy of 1998”, and “Why Running in Circles Might Be the Ultimate Form of Fitness.”
