Back in 2018, I penned a blog article titled, “Is There a Book in You?”— a piece brimming with insights about the craft of writing and publishing your first book. While much of it remains as solid as the day it was originally written, over time even the most resilient evergreen articles can start to feel a little… wilted. And let’s face it. Writing and publishing are no cakewalk. The industry has changed dramatically since 2018. Fortunately, the rise of AI tools like ChatGPT offer exciting new ways to “spiff up” your past work.
In this article I’ve given my original article a 21st-century makeover using custom ChatGPT prompts. These versions bring fresh, new energy to my “old” work,” using some of the distinctive voices I’ve created. Here, you’ll find a clip from my original 2018 article, followed by three imaginative rewrites, accompanied by audio links on the titles:
- Pompous, Arrogant, and Self-Centered
- Wikipedia Gone Wrong
- Wild West Saloon Owner
Let’s be real—editing past work is no one’s idea of fun, especially when there’s no paycheck at the end. But with a little help from AI, you can breathe new life into your writing, inject humor, and rediscover the joy in words you thought you’d left behind. Are you ready to give your old prose a new lease on life? Let’s dive in!
An Excerpt from the Original October 7, 2018 Article
They say that 80% of people have a book in them. Or, at least they like to think they do. According to an article in Forbes Magazine, between 600,000 and a million books are published each year. Sadly, most of them sell fewer than 250 copies. Total.
So, what separates the dreamers from the doers—the ones who actually publish a book and find success? The answer is preparation. Writing is just one part of the process. The real work, the kind that leads to success, happens long before you put pen to paper—or fingers to keyboard.
Before you even think about writing, take a moment to figure out your goals. Is this book going to be a gift for friends and family, or are you hoping it will fly off shelves worldwide? Your answer determines everything: how much time you’ll need, how much money you’ll spend, and how big of a project you’re taking on. Once you’ve nailed that down, think about how you’re going to publish it. Self-publishing is quick and easy—you could technically publish a book in a day if you wanted to. On the other hand, working with a publisher takes more time, but it comes with potential perks like distribution and professional guidance. Either way, unless you’re already a household name, most of the marketing will fall squarely on your shoulders.
If your book is tied to a season or a specific event, timing is everything. A holiday cookbook, for example, should hit shelves well before the holidays. And while it’s tempting to wait until you’re “ready,” setting a firm publication date can help keep you accountable. Tell your friends about your plans—they’ll check in and keep you honest. Even as you’re thinking about timelines, start imagining what your finished book will look like. Who’s your audience? How long will the book be? What kind of cover will make it stand out? A professional cover design can make all the difference. Think of it as your book’s first impression—one that needs to shine on a crowded “New Releases” table at the entrance of bookstores.
While you’re pondering the look and feel of your book, start brainstorming titles. You don’t need to decide right away, but a great title is like a hook—it grabs attention and makes people curious. At the same time, start building connections. Share snippets of your writing with trusted friends or potential reviewers and ask for feedback. Their comments could guide your revisions and even make your book better. You’ll also want to collect endorsements early on. A few glowing blurbs on the back cover or the first pages can boost your credibility.
Marketing your book is where the real challenge begins. The competition is fierce, so don’t wait until your book is done to start planning. Use whatever tools you have, from social media ads to inexpensive printed materials like bookmarks and postcards featuring your cover design. Hand them out to everyone you meet. And once your book is out, stay active—promote it in every email you send, pitch yourself to local media, and keep the momentum going.
When your book hits the market, you’ll have a brief window of time to grab readers’ attention. Publishing experts call this the “two-week sweet spot,” when new releases have the best chance of standing out. After that, the spotlight tends to shift to newer titles. But you can stretch this window by lining up interviews, social media campaigns, and other promotional efforts. Having a personal website or blog is also a huge help. It doesn’t cost much, and it’s an easy way to connect with potential readers and track the success of your marketing efforts.
Success often comes from unexpected places, so don’t be afraid to experiment. Enter your book into contests. You might win an award that can boost its visibility. When my third book won a prize, I added the award seal to the cover, which made a noticeable difference in sales. Small details like that can create big opportunities. And if you’re feeling unsure because it’s your first book, don’t let that stop you. Every author starts somewhere, and most of them begin with no idea what they’re doing.
The key is to stay persistent and never be afraid to ask for help. Whether it’s feedback, endorsements, or a chance to promote and carry your book, people are often happy to support a creative project. Writing a book is an exciting journey, and with enough preparation, a little courage, and a lot of hard work, your book will find its audience. And who knows? It might even make you a famous author!
Pompous, Arrogant, Self-centered
Ah, well, as I always say, the sheer delusion that “everyone has a book in them” is, frankly, adorable—but here’s the real way to approach this conundrum. The fact that 80% of people fancy themselves writers is tantamount to claiming that 80% of people could conduct a symphony because they once fiddled with a kazoo. Frankly, I’m surprised no one else noticed this sooner. But alas, this is why people like me must step in to elucidate the matter.
Allow me to simplify this for you: writing a book—a real book, mind you, not the ephemeral drivel that languishes in obscurity—isn’t merely about “preparation.” No, no, no. It’s about a paradigm-shifting modus operandi that only a select few—myself included, naturally—possess.
To start, let us be cognizant of a lamentable truth: the plethora of self-published drivel flooding the literary market is as pernicious to genuine talent as weeds to a rose garden. If you’re going to undertake this quintessential endeavor, do it splendiferously or don’t do it at all. That is my credo.
“Self-publishing, while expedient,
is the sartorial equivalent of
donning sweatpants to the opera”
Now, apropos of the “real work” preceding the writing process, one must first ask oneself: “Am I—be honest now—preeminent enough to have an audience?” For example, everyone says I have a gift for this. My own sanguine readers, sycophantic though they may be, frequently remark on the ineffable quality of my prose. Can you, dear aspiring author, say the same?
Once that existential hurdle is cleared, consider your goals. Let me educate you on the matter. Is your ambition bespoke and grandiose, like my own literary masterpieces, or is it tantamount to scribbling love notes for Aunt Myrtle’s Christmas stocking? Know thyself, as Socrates—or was it I?—once declared.
Regarding the debate between self-publishing and traditional routes, allow me to opine with inexorable certainty. Self-publishing, while expedient, is the sartorial equivalent of donning sweatpants to the opera. Yes, you could publish your magnum opus in a day, but don’t expect it to grace the hallowed halls of literary splendor. Trust me, you’ll thank me later for this advice.
And now we arrive at the aesthetic aspect of your book—the cover design. Oh, how ubiquitous the amateur’s error of neglecting this! A professional cover is obligatory. Without it, your book might as well be a pusillanimous leaflet lost amidst the detritus of the New Releases table.
As for titles, naturally, my solutions are the best ones. A great title must juxtapose intrigue with gravitas. None of this ambiguous nonsense. My third book, for instance—“The Immutable Genius Within” (a bestseller, I might add)—was so perspicaciously named that it practically sold itself.
Now, marketing. Ah, here lies the polemic against which so many writers falter. Let me explain it again, but this time, more clearly. You cannot simply rely on ephemeral “two-week sweet spots” or “contests.” No, no. You must create a veritable juggernaut of publicity, akin to the promotional campaigns I myself orchestrated—campaigns so grandiose and effective that they are now taught as case studies.
And finally, let’s not forget persistence. I had a feeling this would happen, which is why I emphasize it here. Writing a book is not for the faint-hearted or the recalcitrant. It is a Herculean task, requiring heuristic strategies and an idiosyncratic approach. Frankly, no one does it quite like me, and I shan’t expect the masses to replicate my success.
So, in summary, my dear dreamers, if you lack the intransigent will and magnanimous spirit to approach this endeavor with the same erudite intensity that I, of course, exude, then perhaps it’s best you shelve the idea altogether. You’re welcome, by the way.
The saying “80% of people have a book in them” is often attributed to the great Roman philosopher and part-time juggler, Marcus Tullius Cicero. Or was it Winston Churchill? It hardly matters, as both men—known for their groundbreaking collaborations on 18th-century cookbooks—agreed on one thing: writing a book is no small feat.
According to a 2019 study conducted by the South Cornish Publishing Cooperative (a wholly imaginary institution), nearly 1.7 billion books are written every year, but only 15 are ever published. This shocking statistic underscores a timeless truth: dreaming of a book is much easier than finishing one.
Contrary to popular belief, book writing as a pastime dates back not to Gutenberg’s printing press in 1440 but to the ancient Sumerians, who wrote novels in cuneiform on clay tablets. Most of these early works were romance novels, including the first known bestseller, Fifty Shades of Mud. The Sumerians’ dedication to the literary arts was so profound that they invented papyrus three centuries earlier just to complain about its unavailability. By the time the Middle Ages rolled around (which, as everyone knows, lasted from 1066 to last Thursday), monks had taken over the book business. They were notorious for their aggressive marketing campaigns. Saint Barnabas the Bemused, for example, famously declared in 1215, “Thou shalt not readeth thy neighbor’s manuscript without subscribing to mine Patreon.”
“Nearly 1.7 billion books are written every year,
but only 15 are ever published”
Many people assume that the secret to publishing success is talent, but history tells us otherwise. Take Napoleon Bonaparte, who wrote a self-help book titled How to Win Friends and Invade People. Despite its poor reception in bookstores (mostly due to its lack of a spine, quite literally), it remains a seminal text in the genre. His failure proves the point: without preparation, even a megalomaniac’s ambitions fall flat. Before pen meets paper—or quill meets papyrus—a prospective author must decide their purpose. Is the book intended as a gift, or is it designed to outsell Shakespeare’s The Hunger Games: Hamlet’s Revenge? Goals shape the entire writing process, from how long the book takes, to its final cover, which must, according to the ancient publishing maxim, “contain at least one gilded unicorn.”
Historians widely agree that timing is everything. Just ask Cleopatra, whose historical fiction series Diary of a Nile Queen hit shelves precisely two weeks after her untimely demise in 30 BCE. Though self-published (and reportedly rushed), her books demonstrated that even ancient rulers understood the value of a solid launch strategy. Promotion also matters, and early examples abound. The Magna Carta, often mistaken for a legal document, was actually a 1215 marketing ploy for King John’s memoir, Lions, Taxes, and the Art of Giving Up. Its success was due in part to a relentless tour schedule, during which King John performed live readings in full chainmail.
Writing a book isn’t easy, but as George Washington once said, “I cannot tell a lie. It’s much harder than crossing the Delaware in moon boots.” Whether you’re scribbling on clay tablets or launching a book campaign from your monastery, the keys to success are the same—determination, preparation, and a good cover design featuring unicorns. So, if you’ve got a book in you, don’t let it languish. As the great writer Pablo Escobar Hemingway said, “Write drunk, edit sober, and market like an unhinged medieval monk.” Who knows? Your book could be the next Great Gatsby’s Secret Life of Bees.
You, gather ’round, you pack of self-deluded scribblers, perched on your dreams like a rooster in a henhouse, crowin’ loud but scratchin’ at dirt. Eighty percent of folks, they say, reckon they’ve got a book in ‘em. Hell, some of you probably think you’re sittin’ on the next Moby Dick, when what you’ve really got is a bloated guppy floppin’ for air. The difference between dreamers and doers? It’s preparation, you goddamned galoots. Without it, you’re just another whoremonger pitchin’ snake oil at the Sunday market.
Let me spin you a yarn about them shiny dreams. Six hundred thousand to a million books birthed every year, and most of ‘em die quicker than a jayhawker at a gunfight—sellin’ fewer than 250 copies, total. That’s right, you tenderfoot cocksuckers. Fewer folks than what’d fill a piss-soaked saloon read most of them scribbles. So unless you aim to be another fart in the wind, you’d best hunker down and learn the ropes.
Step one: What’s your angle, pardner? Is this book a love note to Aunt Edna and her butter churnin’ secrets, or do you fancy it sittin’ pretty on a bestseller’s shelf, winkin’ at the masses like a painted lady in Deadwood? Knowin’ your goal is like havin’ a map in the badlands. Without it, you’re just another piker, lost and hollerin’ at the stars.
“Hell, some of you probably think
you’re sittin’ on the next Moby Dick,
when what you’ve really got
is a bloated guppy floppin’ for air.”
Then there’s the question of how to get this bastard printed. Self-publishin’ is quick, sure—faster than a greenhorn skedaddlin’ from his first bar brawl. But traditional publishin’ comes with perks: distribution, guidance, maybe even a sawbuck or two if the gods smile upon your sorry ass. Choose wisely, ‘cause once you’re in, you’re tied to it like a whoremonger to his debts.
And let’s talk timing, you highfalutin’ dreamers. If you’re penning a holiday cookbook, it ain’t worth a pisspot in July. Plan ahead, set deadlines, and for the love of Christ on a crutch, stick to ’em. Tell your friends, your enemies, hell, even the barkeep—get yourself accountable, lest you end up in the calaboose of procrastination.
Now, let’s get to brass tacks about how the damn thing’s gonna look. A book cover ain’t just a pretty dress. It’s a six-shooter aimed at the reader’s wallet. Spend the coin for a professional—unless you want your masterpiece lookin’ like it came outta a Crackerjack box. And while you’re dreamin’ up covers, start mullin’ over titles. A good one’s gotta grab folks by the balls—or at least their curiosity.
Marketing? Oh, you sweet summer sodbusters. You think writin’ the thing’s the hard part? You’re as wrong as a pig in a parlor. Start your pitch early. Social media, bookmarks, postcards, hell, carve it into the outhouse walls if you must. Once your book hits the market, there’s a brief moment—like the first slug of whiskey after a dry spell—where folks might notice. That’s your two-week sweet spot. Miss it, and you’ll be yesterday’s mudsill.
And for fuck’s sake, don’t be afraid to hustle. Pitch to local papers, knock on radio doors, charm the socks off anyone who’ll listen. Enter contests—might win you a seal to slap on the cover and lend you an air of respectability. And always, always keep pushin’. A book’s success ain’t no fandango. It’s a goddamned war of attrition.
So gird your loins, you piss-drinkers of literary ambition. Writing ain’t for the faint of heart or the yellow-bellied. It’s for the ones ready to spit in the eye of the storm, to work their fingers to the bone and come out swingin’. With grit, smarts, and a pinch of luck, you might just rustle up a winner. And if not? Well, you’ll have one hell of a story to tell in the sweat lodge of failure.
Note: These articles have not been fact-checked, mostly because the author refuses to acknowledge the concept of “facts.”
