Hiring Manager (Miss Wellington-Coburn): Thank you for coming in to interview for the Solutions Specialist opening, Mr. Swearengen. My name is Miss Araminta Anastasia Constance Genevieve Ludovica Wellington-Coburn. I’m the hiring manager here at Deadwood Enterprises.
Let me peel the onion and give you the lay of the land before we jump into the deep dive. We’ve got an open seat for a Level III Customer Solutions Specialist. A role where you’ll need to hit the ground running and be ready to swim with the sharks. You’ll be interfacing with our high-value clients across a variety of multi-media channels including email, voice, chat, videos, and social media. Essentially, you’re breaking the ice and circling the wagons all day long.
Now, this isn’t about grabbing the low-hanging fruit and calling it a day. We’re talking about leveraging resources and creating synergy with our internal Quality Assurance team to ensure that every client interaction is gold-star certified. We take Deadwood Enterprises as seriously as feeding the beast, so you’ll be pushing the envelope to make sure our customer engagement isn’t just hitting the mark, but moving the needle on every front.
In this role, you’ll be expected to maintain a tight grip on our proprietary CX-WOW software. Think of it as flying the plane while building it, where you’ll need to keep all the balls in the air while navigating through our labyrinth of systems. We’re not boiling the ocean here. We’re expanding the bandwidth to optimize every touchpoint, chasing waterfalls while making sure KPIs are met and SLAs don’t slip. It’s all about keeping real-time adjustments in check.
Yes, it’s fast-paced. More like herding cats than anything else. But that’s where your out-of-the-box thinking comes in. We’re looking for someone who’s not afraid to take the bull by the horns and burn the midnight oil if needed. We need someone who can pivot, count our chickens before they hatch without dropping the ball and, frankly, isn’t afraid to eat their own dog food when things get tough. If you can handle that while unpacking complex issues and keeping the Jello nailed to the wall, I think we’ll stay on the same page.
It’s a very dynamic, fast-paced role, requiring someone who’s comfortable juggling a variety of tasks while also being adaptable to changing priorities, because customer satisfaction, Mr. Swearengen, is our top priority here at Deadwood Enterprises. There are daily scrums, weekly reflection sessions, bi-monthly efficiency recalibration workshops, and, of course, our famous Hawaiian shirt day every Friday. You’ve probably heard about them.
Are you following along so far?
Candidate (Mr. Swearengen ): Yeah, sure, sounds like my worst fucking nightmare, to be honest. But hey, here I am. Let’s just keep going.
Miss Wellington-Coburn: Ha! You’re funny, Mr. Swearengen. We like a sense of humor here. It helps with morale during the high-volume escalation events. Let’s move on to a few questions to help us get a better idea of how you’d fit in with our corporate family. Alright, first question: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Mr. Swearengen: Hell, that’s a laughable question, ain’t it? Life don’t exactly lend itself to plannin’ out like some sanctified piss-pot’s idea of a grand fuckin’ scheme. I reckon I’ll be alive, hopefully, if the bastards of this goddamn world ain’t succeeded in puttin’ a bullet in my head.
Might be sittin’ on a stack of sawbucks big enough to make a cattle baron blush or still scratchin’ out a livin’ alongside my fellow hoopleheads. Five years could see me runnin’ a fandango of my own or drinkin’ myself to death in some backwater bunkhouse. Ain’t no crystal ball, and ain’t no guarantees ‘cept I’ll still be spittin’ venom at any cocksucker foolish enough to cross my path. I’ll be out there, swingin’ at the goddamn world, takin’ it one slug at a time, just tryin’ not to get buffaloed or bucked into an early fuckin’ grave.
Miss Wellington-Coburn: Ah, well, that’s certainly a vision. We appreciate honesty here. Alright, moving on. What’s your greatest weakness?
Mr. Swearengen: Fuck, where the hell do I start? I’ve got a temper that’s hotter than a goddamn furnace and just as liable to burn the whole fuckin’ place down. You piss me off, and I’ll go from calm to a fuck-knuckle of rage faster than you can spit. Ain’t exactly a trait I’m proud of, but goddamn if it don’t come naturally.
I got no patience for flannelmouths or hoopleheads that like to run their mouths without a lick of sense, and I’m more than likely to let ‘em know just how much of a goddamn fool they are. Hell, sometimes I’m my own worst enemy. Can’t keep my trap shut when I probably should, can’t let a slight go without wantin’ to rustle up a goddamn storm. And that’s just how it is. My weakness is I ain’t too good at lettin’ bygones be bygones. More likely to shove a six-shooter of words down a bastard’s throat than let ’em walk away.
Miss Wellington-Coburn: Hmm… well, that’s… refreshing candor, Mr. Swearengen. Honesty, yes. We do value that. Next, how would your friends describe you?
Mr. Swearengen: Well, those sons of bitches would probably call me a goddamn loyal bastard, and I reckon that’s true enough. They’d tell ya I got a heart as stubborn as a mule, and I’ll be there whether it’s to fight off a goddamn scalawag or to share a fuckin’ drink at a shindig. They’d say I got a mouth that spits fire like a snake’s belly and a temper hotter than hellfire itself, but I ain’t no yellow-belly when it comes to standin’ by the people I give a damn about.
They might also tell ya I got a penchant for tellin’ it like it is. Ain’t got no time for flannelmouths or numbnuts that think their words are worth more than a slug of piss in a tin spittoon. When I give ya my word, by God, I mean it. But I sure as shit won’t coddle no one. If you’re fuckin’ up, I’ll be the first to call you on it, and if you can’t handle that, then you’re just a tenderfoot who oughta skedaddle back to whatever bunkhouse you crawled out of.
In short, they’d say I’m a filthy son of a bitch who’s hard to love, but if I’m in your corner, you couldn’t ask for a better goddamn bosom friend to have your back when the shit hits the fan.
Miss Wellington-Coburn: Alright… loyal is good. No time for flannelmouths or numbnuts … we can work on that, I suppose. Okay, next question: How do you handle stress?
Mr. Swearengen: Hell, stress is just another goddamn cattle baron thinkin’ he owns the land I ride on. I deal with it the only way I know how—straight to its fuckin’ face, without a blink or a flinch. If the world’s dumpin’ a gullywasher of shit on my head, I say let it pour. I’ll stand right there, cigar in hand, and tell that shitstorm it ain’t got the balls to drown me.
When I’m feelin’ like a pressure cooker about to blow its damn lid, I find me a slug of popskull, maybe rustle up a rowdy game of cards, or raise some hell with a handful of my bosom friends. Ain’t no sanctified piss-pot or some jackleg jawsmith gonna tell me I need some goddamn sweat lodge or joss house to find peace. Nah, I’m the kinda son of a bitch who needs action. Smack a few hoopleheads around if they’re beggin’ for it, or give some whoremonger a piece of my mind.
I let stress know I ain’t its shit-kicker. You stare it down, you curse it to hell, and you keep movin’. I ain’t one to shy from the fight. Stress can kiss my filthy, hell-bound ass, ‘cause it sure as shit ain’t gonna win.
Miss Wellington-Coburn: I… see. Noted. OK. Last question: Describe yourself in three words.
Mr. Swearengen: Alright then—stubborn, ruthless, and loyal. I’m stubborn as a goddamn bullock’s buster; once I set my sights on somethin’, it’s either move or get trampled, you cocksucker. I’m ruthless ’cause out here, it’s eat or be eaten; ain’t no sanctified piss-pot of mercy in this frontier. I’ll do what needs doin’, no apologies given. And loyalty? Hell, my loyalty runs deep as a rustler’s brandin’ iron on a steer. Once you’re my bosom friend, I’ll stand by you through every last shitstorm the world throws, till we’re all six feet under or worse.
Miss Wellington-Coburn: Hmm. Well, Mr. Swearengen, I can say this has been one of the more… unique interviews I’ve conducted. Thank you for your time. We’ll, uh, let you know.
Mr. Swearengen: Well now, ain’t this a proper close to a circus of an interview. Here I am, sittin’ like a bastard at a barn dance, wonderin’ if y’all just tripped over your own goddamned questions or if you meant to lead me around like a greenhorn chasin’ his own tail. As fer questions, Miss Fancy Britches, I reckon I’ve got just one—does the notion of a straight answer tickle yer brain, or do you folks prefer this backhanded fandango? ‘Cause it feels like I’ve been jawin’ with a bunch of cocksuckers playin’ hide-and-seek with honesty.
Miss Wellington-Coburn: Well, Mr. Swearengen, I’ve got to say, this has been quite the experience. Kind of like a day at the track. You’re never entirely sure which way it’s going to go, but it’s one hell of a ride either way. I genuinely appreciate your honesty, your colorful answers, and your, let’s just say, unique way of tackling the questions. I think we’ve covered a lot of ground here. Your strengths, your, uh, “quirks,” and everything in between.
I’m leaving this conversation with a clearer picture of who you are and what you bring to the table. Should things pan out for you, I have no doubt you’ll approach the role with the same tenacity and fire you’ve brought to this interview. Thanks for your time, Mr. Swearengen. We’ll be in touch. Maybe sooner than you think.
