What is the proper term for “Ass Wipes?”
You know, those tissues used for cleaning your
Brown-eyed Willy after dropping a deuce?
As I’ve grown older, I’ve experienced a flotilla of personal hygiene challenges I never had to contend with when I was in my teens. Or 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or 60s. Things like hair growing out of strange places, drooling during dinner, putrid body odor, incontinence, flatulence, and cleaning up “back there” after pinching a loaf.
It’s easy to find products in stores to handle these adjustments if you know what to ask for. But in the case of intimate hygiene products, it can be tough. It’s not like you can just walk into a Walmart and ask the greeter, “Where are the ass wipes?” I know, because I’ve tried it.
The Scene: A bustling Walmart on a Saturday afternoon. The customer, already feeling a bit sheepish, approaches a young employee who’s clearly just completed his New Employee Orientation. His name tag reads “Trainee Josh,” and he’s trying to put on an air of confidence while clutching his employee manual tighter than a Titanic lifeboat.
Customer: Excuse me, can you help me find something?
Trainee Josh: Of course! What are you looking for?
Customer: I’m trying to find…uh, “ass wipes.”
Trainee Josh: Ass…wipes? Hmmm… I’m not sure I know what those are. Are they for cleaning something?
Customer: Yeah, you know. For after you make a mud monkey. Like Wet Wipes, but for adults.
Trainee Josh: Wet Wipes for…bathroom stuff? Hmm. I’m not sure where those would be. I’ll have to ask my supervisor.
Without hesitation, he grabs the microphone of the PA system. With the volume turned up to 10, he announces to the world, “Attention, Floor Supervisor. I need help finding ‘ass wipes’. Can you meet me on aisle 17?”
Shoppers in nearby aisles freeze, a few giggles escape. Moments later, the floor supervisor, a harried-looking woman juggling a clipboard and a walkie-talkie, arrives.
Floor Supervisor: Hi, I’m Esther, the Floor Supervisor. You’re looking for…um, “ass wipes?” Did I hear that right?
Customer: Yeah, but maybe they’re called something else. Like flushable wipes or personal cleansing wipes?
Floor Supervisor: Flushable wipes? I don’t think we have anything like that in Industrial Cleaning Supplies. But let’s be sure.
She grabs the store intercom and yells, “Attention, all department managers. We have a customer looking for ‘ass wipes.’ Does anyone know where we stock them?”
Three department managers, all middle-aged men with clipboards, pocket protectors and faces that scream they’ve been dealt a lousy hand, walk over looking puzzled.
Department Manager: Did I hear that right? “Ass wipes?” Are you sure that’s the product name?
Customer: Yes. Well, no. I think they’re just called flushable wipes. You know, for personal hygiene after…uh… launching a stink pickle?
Floor Supervisor: Oh, pickles! They’d be in Groceries, along with the pickled onions, pickled herring and pickled peppers.
Customer: No, they’re not food! They’re for cleaning up after paving a Hershey highway. They’re probably near the toilet paper section!
Department Manager: Paper, huh? Have you checked Office Supplies? Sometimes things get misplaced over there. You never know.
Customer: Office Supplies? For ass wipes?
Department Manager: You’d be surprised where things end up. But let’s get the Store Manager to weigh in.
The store manager, a no-nonsense, Walmart lifer arrives after being paged. He looks mildly annoyed but ready to help solve the mystery.
Store Manager: What’s the problem here?
Department Manager: This customer is looking for something called “ass wipes,” and we’re thinking that maybe they might be a type of flushable wipe. But, none of us are sure what they are or where they’re stocked. Or, if we even carry them.
Store Manager: “Ass wipes?” That sounds…unusual. Have you tried the Auto Parts department? We have specialty wipes for vintage cars that might fit the bill.
Customer: No, no, no. They’re not for cars! They’re for after you deposit a brown trout. Like a wet napkin, but for…you know…back there.
Store Manager: A brown trout, eh? Have you looked in Fishing and Sports Equipment! They have all sorts of trout gear over there.
Customer: They’re not for fishing! They’re for personal use. You know, for hygiene…after… sending a log down river.
Store Manager: Oh, sending a log down river. Got it. They’d be in the Lumber department. Try the Plywood and Softwood sections.
Customer: Lumber?! They’re not for home improvement!
At this point, the regional manager, who was paged earlier and has been listening in on the entire debacle, finally arrives. He’s trying to look composed but clearly intrigued by the situation.
Regional Manager: What’s the situation here? I’ve been hearing “ass wipes” over the PA system all afternoon. Is this some kind of prank?
Customer: No, it’s not a prank! I just need to find flushable wipes. For cleaning “back there” after making a mud monkey. That’s all!
Regional Manager: A mud monkey? Why didn’t you say so? Check the Pet Care department on aisle 3. I’ll bet you they’re there. Or, here’s a thought… what about the Personal Hygiene department?
Store Manager: Great idea! Let’s all go over there together and find these ass wipes once and for all.
The entire team—by now a group of twenty—marches together along with the customer, forming a small parade as they make their way to the Personal Hygiene department, next to the toilet paper. Shoppers watch with curiosity as the entourage passes by.
They arrive at the aisle, all eyes scanning the shelves intently. The customer is silently praying this ordeal will be over soon so he can go home and unload his fudge factory. The regional manager, leading the charge, scours the shelves for anything resembling the elusive product.
Regional Manager: Hmm… I don’t see anything here resembling “ass wipes.”
The Regional Manager turns, picks up the intercom with authority, and barks loudly over the store’s PA system:
Regional Manager: Attention all Walmart employees! I need immediate assistance from Product and Sales on aisle 11.
After ten minutes, a Product and Sales Representative saunters up and asks what all the hooh-haw is about. The Regional Manager explains the customer’s dilemma. Then, the Sales Rep says confidently,
Product and Sales Representative: Oh, that’s easy. They’re on aisle 35 in the “Ass Wipes” section, but they’re back-ordered until National Clean Crack Day.
The customer stares in disbelief, while the employees nod in approval, raising high fives, and slapping each other on their backs, proud of their exemplary teamwork. Meanwhile, a gaggle of shoppers are doubled over with laughter, while the customer wonders if it’s too late to start shopping online.
Trainee Josh: Don’t worry! We’ll get you those ass wipes in no time. And at least now we know we have an “Ass Wipes” section. Thank you for shopping at Walmart!
