“If you were a tree, what kind would you be?”

– Anonymous question from “The Dating Game”

 

The air is thick with the scent of Old Spice and cigarette smoke. Yet, there I am, decked out in my polyester best, ready to embark on the most bewildering challenge of my life – my first job interview.

In the late 1960s, job interviews were less a professional screening process and more like an episode of “The Dating Game.” Most interviewers had no idea who or what they were looking for, how to find them, and what they’d do if they did. It was an era when a candidate’s ability to answer the most ludicrous questions with poise and dignity was just as important as their actual qualifications. Maybe more. So, thinking that they were being “progressive,” human resource people would pitch out zingers like:

• If you could be any flavor of ice cream, what would you be?
• Describe a sensation you’ve never experienced.
• What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?
• What’s your take on religion?
• Explain quantum physics to me.

Fortunately, we now have more effective tools like Applicant Tracking Systems (ATS), Online Skill Assessments, Video Interviewing Platforms, Social Media Screening Tools, Background Check Software, AI-powered Resume Screening Tools, Psychometric Testing Tools, Reference Check Software, Digital Portfolios and Work Sample Reviews, Talent Sourcing Tools.

So, let me take you on a journey through the job interview process of the late 1960s – a time of lagging technology and employment rituals. It’s a story of endless interviews, irrelevant questions, and the ludicrous lengths we still go to in order to impress potential employers. Buckle up; it’s going to be a wild ride.

Sunshine Petrenko: Hey, man! My name’s Sunshine Petrenko and I’m an executive recruiter here at MCA. I’m super stoked to meet ya, man. Have a seat and make yourself comfortable, dude. Would you like some refreshments? Maybe some Snake Wine, Chicha Morada, or Bilk? Maybe some Cendol, Kumis, Seagull Wine, Black Ivory Coffee, Pulque, or Baby Mouse Wine?

Owen Harper: Thank you, no, man. I’ve just come from getting an enema.

Sunshine: Whoa. An enema? I can totally dig it, man. Totally.

Sunshine: It’s a real psychedelic scene here at MCA, ya know? Full of color and good vibes, just like Golden Gate Park during the Summer of Love. We’re all about peace, love, and harmony here, man. Everyone’s just tryin’ to stay hip and spread the love. Ya dig?

Sunshine: So, to like, groove into who you are, I gotta throw you some mind-bending questions. Is that cool? It’s all about getting deep into your headspace, and catching your vibes through these far-out queries, man. It’s like opening doors to the soul, man, letting the universe in. Are you up for it?

Owen: Sure, man. I’m cool. Let’s hit it.

Sunshine: OK, here we go. So, if you had to choose, like, a fruit to cruise into work, what fruit would be your magic carpet ride, dude, and why?

Owen: Oh, man, that’s a far-out question. So, like, if I had to cruise to a gig on a piece of fruit, I’d totally pick a giant banana, man. It’s like, naturally slick, you just glide along, feeling the breeze. Plus, it’s got that mellow yellow vibe, ya know? Just kickin’ it, coasting down the street on a banana, waves of chill vibes rolling off me.

Owen: That’s my kind of commute. And dude, the eco-friendly vibe of it all? That’s groovy to the max. Biodegradable transportation? That’s the kind of trip we should all be on. No parking drama, no messin’ with Mother Earth, just pure, clean, banana-powered cruising. It’s like you’re saying, Peace and love to the planet, man.

Sunshine: Whoa. You’re like a modern-day eco-warrior, man. A real revolutionary cat with a mind for practical magic. I can see it now: “Innovative Employee Cruises to Work on a Banana” – that’s a headline that would totally blow people’s minds! You’re not just thinking outside the box, man, you’re living it. It’s radical, it’s gnarly, and it’s totally in tune with the cosmos. Ready for the next one?

Owen: Go for it, dude.

Sunshine: OK. Man, if you were, like, totally stranded on some far-out island, and you could have only three things with you, what would they be and why, dude?

Owen: Hmm… Three things? Well, first of all, a guitar, man. ‘Cause you gotta have tunes to keep the vibes high and the spirits mellow. Just strumming under the stars, feeling the universe hum along with me. And a hammock, for sure, man. It’s like, the ultimate chill spot. Swaying between palm trees, catching the ocean breeze. Total relaxation, man.

And third, a big ol’ bag of seeds – not pot, but like, veggies and herbs, ya know? I’d be like the island gardener, growing my own food, living off the land. It’s all about that natural connection, man. That’s it, man. Those are my Desert Island picks, dude. Just me, the music, the chill, and Mother Nature doing her thing.

Sunshine: I can dig it, man. Totally. Let’s move on to our third question. Cool?

Owen: You bet, man…

Sunshine: What if you, like, opened your eyes one day and, whoa, you’re the only dude left on this big, spinning rock? What’s the first thing you’d do, man, and why?

Owen: Whoa, that’s like a total mind trip, man. If I woke up and found out I was the last dude on Earth, the first thing I’d do is grab a skateboard and cruise down the emptiest, longest road I could find, man. Just me, my board, and the open road, with the wind in my hair and not a soul in sight. It’s like, the ultimate freedom, you know? No traffic, no rules, just the Earth and me, vibing in total harmony. It’d be like, the most righteous ride of all time, man.

Then I’d grab my guitar and play the most cosmic tunes, echoing through the empty streets, ya know? Why? ‘Cause music, man, it’s like the heartbeat of the universe. Even if I’m the last cat on the planet, I’d fill the silence with melody, and keep the vibes flowing. It’s all about staying connected to the rhythm of life, even when you’re the last dude around.

Sunshine: Cool. Ready for the next one? Here it is…

Sunshine: If you could time travel, but only to witness historical events involving potatoes, which event would you choose?

Owen: Whew! Time travel, but just to scope out potato scenes? Man, that’s a real groovy niche! But if I had to pick one, it’s gotta be the Great Potato Famine. ‘Cause it’s not just about potatoes, man, it’s about the drama, the struggle to survive, the human spirit!

Think about it, man. Ireland, the 1840s. Potatoes far and wide, then bam, not a single spud in sight. It’s like a thriller, but with veggies, man. The stakes? Way up in the sky. The drama? Totally off the charts. And me? I’d have a front-row seat to one of history’s wildest plot twists.

But here’s the real deal: I’d see how folks adapt, get over the hump. It’s like a masterclass in hanging tough. Plus, I’d probably slip in some modern farming vibes. Change the past, be the hero of the day – all in a day’s groove.

Think about it, man. Time traveling just to catch a potato catastrophe? It’s like being a superhero with a really specific thing. Potatoes, famine, and a sprinkle of messing with history – now that’s a far-out adventure!

Sunshine: Wow, man. I never thought about the 1840 Potato Famine that way. Very insightful, dude. Ok, are you ready for the last question? It’s a tough one.

Owen: Go ahead, man. I’m cool.

Sunshine: Do you think watching an entire season of “Love After Lockup” would be as challenging as earning a Ph.D. in molecular biology?

Owen: “Love After Lockup”? Man, that’s a wild, emotional ride, chock-full of drama, crazy twists, and turns. It’s like taking a deep dive into a pool of human feelings and relationships, dude. A tough lesson in life’s ups and downs? Maybe, man. Entertaining? Like watching a mind-blowing fireworks show.

Now, a Ph.D. in molecular biology, that’s like climbing an intellectual Mount Everest, dude. It’s the peak of academic coolness. You’re out there pushing the edges of what us humans know. Tough gig, fer sure, but the buzz of finding something new? Totally unmatched. Totally.

So, are both fulfilling? You bet, man. But in totally different scenes. One’s feeding your heart and your curiosity about the wild ride of human nature, the other’s nourishing your brain and your hunger for knowledge. It’s all about balance, my friend. Whether you’re digging reality TV or diving into molecular biology, it’s the groove and the passion that count. That’s the stuff that makes life super spicy!

Sunshine: Alright, man, thanks for answering those brain twisters. Now, I gotta lay it on you straight – you’re one of over 1500 cats applying for this gig. I mean, the odds are out there, but hey, life’s a trip, right? Now, about moving ahead in this twisted game. Here are the next steps.

Sunshine: The first thing ya gotta do is get your vaccines: rabies, yellow fever, polio, meningococcal, typhoid, dengue fever, chikungunya, Zika, hepatitis, Ebola, polio, and Japanese tick-borne encephalitis. All of ‘em.

Ya also gotta get tested for cholera, typhoid fever, meningococcal meningitis, tuberculosis, parasites, malaria, schistosomiasis, leishmaniasis, African trypanosomiasis, fungi, ringworm, and sporotrichosis.

Sunshine: Next, ya gotta submit a signed letter in triplicate from your doctor that says you haven’t been exposed to contaminated food and water, insect bites, contaminated air, unprotected jungle sex, air pollution, motor vehicle violations, motion sickness, jet lag, or dangerous wildlife. Then there’s the Navy SEAL stuff.

Sunshine: First off, man, you gotta ace this Navy SEAL Physical Screening Test (PST), you know? It’s the key to moving on to the next groovy interview, ya dig?  It’s got stuff like:

• Swim 500 yards in under 2 minutes, wearing a helmet, boots, and Kevlar vest.
• Bust out at least 150 push-ups in 2 minutes.
• Crank out 150 sit-ups in 2 minutes, or less.
• Complete a minimum of 150 one-armed pull-ups in 2 minutes, or less.
• Run a 35-mile dash in hip boots and protective underwear, in 2 minutes or less.

Sunshine: Then, it’s off to some gnarly Land Warfare and Tactical Training. Ya gotta wrap all that up and be ready to parachute into some remote jungle spot in Borneo for round two of the interviews. Wild, huh? Got any questions, bro?

Owen: Just one: can you validate my parking stub?

Sunshine: Oh, man, getting that parking stub sorted is like, harder than the stuff we just talked about. Ya sure you want to tackle it? Here’s what you gotta do:

• Make an appointment with Security to check if your ticket’s the real deal.
• Swing by the sheriff’s crib for a photo and fingerprint gig.
• Catch the Accounting dudes in the basement between 3:30 to 3:45 AM on alternating Thursdays.
• Then, just kick back for six to eight weeks, and your reimbursement will eventually come in the mail. Easy-peasy, right?

Sunshine: Digging this rap with you has been a primo trip, my friend. But I gotta cruise on outta here to my next applicant. Only 1,499 to go, man! It’s been a gas, a real cosmic journey. Stay mellow, keep on truckin’, and keep your vibe flowin’. We’ll be in touch!