In the beginning, there was walking. Then, an inebriated caveman was late, rushing home to his wife, and Bingo!, The world was introduced to the art of skipping.
As time went on, skipping became the preferred mode of transportation for Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, the Mongolian Death Worm, and giddy children all over the world. Eventually, skipping found its way to the annals of nursery rhymes and schoolyard chants. The rest, as they say, is history.
The History of Skipping
Legend has it that skipping made its grand entrance to North America aboard a fleet of Puritan ships while sailing the Transatlantic Tradewind Crossing from the United Kingdom. They landed on the shores of the New World, causing a wave of skipping frenzy among the indigenous Indians and European settlers alike.
Skipping spread quickly across the new world, serving as a symbol of rebellion against the mundane. Colonial leaders were not immune to its charm either, with even the sternest of Puritans skipping around in their dour black attire. Skipping soon became so intertwined with the American identity that it found its way into pivotal moments of history. For instance, George Washington famously crossed the Delaware River by skipping from one ice floe to another, his powdered wig fluttering in the wind.
Skipping clubs sprang up like mushrooms after a summer rain, each one claiming to be the epitome of skipping excellence. Skipping became such a significant part of everyday life that skipping proficiency became a prerequisite for entry into Harvard University until the late 1800s.
Sir Skippington McSkipface, renowned skipper and the first person to skip to the top of Mount Everest without supplemental oxygen, shares his secrets on how to execute the perfect skip
Famous People and Hollywood Stars Who Skip
It’s no secret that skipping has become the hottest trend in Tinseltown. Who can forget the iconic scene in Gone with the Wind, where Scarlett O’Hara, played by the legendary Vivien Leigh, skips through the fields of Tara into the waiting arms of Rhett Butler? Then, there’s the skipping prowess of the suave James Bond, who, between high-stakes spy missions, liked to skip along the pristine beaches of the south of France.
Even the enigmatic Johnny Depp (star of the 1990 Academy Award-winning film, Edward Skipping Hands) has been spotted skipping down the red carpet, much to the bewilderment of the paparazzi. And let’s not forget the queen of pop herself, Madonna, who, in true avant-garde fashion, has incorporated semi-nude skipping into her electrifying stage performances, proving that skipping is not just for recreation anymore!
A Professional Skipper Explains How It’s Done
Sir Skippington McSkipface, renowned skipper and the first person to skip to the top of Mount Everest without supplemental oxygen, shares his secrets on how to execute the perfect skip in his best-selling 1976 book, The Skipper’s Guide to Navigating Life’s Obstacles.
According to McSkipface, the first rule of skipping is to channel your inner gazelle. “Imagine yourself gracefully bounding through the savannah,” says McSkipface, “defying gravity with every leap.” Soon, you’ll be prancing through the streets of Brooklyn with a skip in your step that would make Mikhail Baryshnikov blush with envy.
“The key is to maintain a sense of childlike wonder and a complete disregard for social norms,” says McSkipface. “Ignore the stares, embrace the freedom, and let your inner Tigger shine.”
Myths About Why People Out-Grow Skipping
There are three main reasons why some misguided souls abandon the pure joy of skipping in favor of other pastimes.
First, is the unfounded myth of the Seriousness Syndrome. Followers claim that skipping is just too darn fun to be allowed to flourish. Why should anyone choose the exhilarating sensation of happiness and childlike glee instead of the monotonous plodding over pavement and the threat of shin splints? These people have fallen victim to the notion of “no pain no gain.”
Second, is the Absurdity Principle. Legend has it that during the early 1900s, some misguided Ivy League college students lambasted skipping because it failed to provide the same level of gut-wrenching nausea and sports injuries as running.
This perplexing condition strikes when a skipper attempts a spontaneous stop in mid-air, defying the laws of physics
Finally, there is the Self-Conscious Conundrum. I know it’s hard to believe, but some people still feel embarrassed about skipping in public. They worry that their elegant hops and bounds might draw attention or raise eyebrows. These poor souls have abandoned their self-confidence and forgotten the Skipping Golden Rule: when in doubt, just skip!
The Low-down on Skipping Injuries
Picture this: you’re happily skipping along, lost in the rhythmic bounce of each step, when suddenly, your mind gets caught in a skipping-induced frenzy. You’ve just contracted the baffling phenomenon known as Skipnosis. Skipnosis is a condition where skipping becomes so mesmerizing that it hijacks your cerebrum, leaving you in a state of skipping-induced euphoria. It’s a bewildering experience, but at least you’ll have the most toned calves in town!
And, no discussion of skipping injuries would be complete without discussing the Sudden Skip-stop Syndrome. This perplexing condition strikes when a skipper attempts a spontaneous stop in mid-air, defying the laws of physics. Victims of Sudden Skip-stop Syndrome are often left with Turf Toe, a bruised ego, and a newfound appreciation for the power of gravity.
Finally, we come to the dreaded Skipping Overload Disorder. This rare condition occurs when the sheer ecstasy of skipping overwhelms the body’s pleasure receptors leading to a functional failure of the semi-circular canals, resulting in a total loss of coordination and balance. Left untreated, it can evolve into erratic skip dancing; a condition resembling a trapeze artist afflicted with a bout of Walking Corpse Syndrome. Though highly entertaining for onlookers, it can be a frustrating experience for the unfortunate individuals afflicted with it.
Comparing Skipping to Other Activities
If you’re still on the fence about the exhilarating world of skipping, it might help to compare it to other popular sports and activities, uncovering the true essence of skipping’s uniqueness.
Both activities provide a multitude of avenues for self-expression and your inner dancer. However, skipping is the safer choice when it comes to avoiding awkward conversations with your parents
Skipping vs. Pole Vaulting: Pole vaulting may provide thrills and chills, but skipping is more accessible and doesn’t require wearing those skimpy Lycra-Spandex shorts and checking in a seventeen-foot-long fiberglass pole as carry-on baggage when you fly.
Skipping vs. Hula Hooping: While hula hooping can be an entertaining diversion, think about the limitations it presents. Hula hoops tend to confine movement to the waist, restricting one’s exploration of space in time. On the other hand, skipping offers a glorious range of motion, allowing you to trip the light fantastic. Whatever that means.
Skipping vs. Pogo Sticking: While Pogo sticking may provide a bouncetastic time, don’t overlook the inherent challenges and perils. One misstep and you could find yourself toppling over like a falling redwood. Skipping, however, offers a more forgiving experience, with a wider range of motion and reduced risk of falling flat on your face.
Skipping vs. Three-Count Burpees: A staple of grueling SEAL Team Six workouts, Three-count burpees test one’s physical endurance and mental fortitude. While burpees may offer a challenging and efficient choice of exercise, never discount the sheer joy and whimsy of skipping. Why subject yourself to the agony of a spleen-bursting burpee when you can skip merrily through the Bavarian Alps, singing Climb Ev’ry Mountain?
Skipping vs. Pole Dancing: Both activities provide a multitude of avenues for self-expression and your inner dancer. However, skipping is the safer choice when it comes to avoiding awkward conversations with your parents. While skipping through the park is usually met with a smile, pole dancing in a local nudie bar may result in uncomfortable inquiries and the loss of your allowance for two weeks.
Even with all of its benefits, skipping still has some potential drawbacks, says Dr. Reginald Hopsalot, Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine and Clinic Director at Hoppington University in Hopsville, Ohio. “While skipping may put less impact on the knee joints,” says Dr. Hopsalot, “it does put more repetitive stress on your anal sphincter and uvula.”
The Best and the Worst Parts of Skipping
The Best Places to Skip: Ideal skipping locations include The Eiger in Switzerland, the Vinson Massif in Antarctica, The Grand Couloir of Mont Blanc, and The Hornli Ridge of the Matterhorn.
The Best Time of Day: The most enchanting time for skipping occurs when Venus passes directly between the Sun and Earth. Unfortunately, the last time a solar eclipse occurred during a journey of Venus was on November 1, 1607 BC. The next transit of Venus will not occur until December 2117, so you’re probably better off just skipping in the dark.
The Best Weather for Skipping: A light breeze and sunny skies create the perfect skipping weather. Of course, neither of those occur at the same time, due to global warming, so you’re better off choosing a modest cyclone, hurricane, or skipping downwind in a blizzard after the normally busy streets are deserted.
The Worst Places to Skip: Avoid skipping through the Okefenokee swamp, the Mariana Trench, Death Valley National Park at noon, and the Highway of Death (the Rodovia de Morte in Brazil) at rush hour.
By incorporating skipping into one’s fitness routine, individuals can experience improved joint health, burn more calories, and enjoy a boost in overall happiness. But, that’s just what my marketing department told me to say
The Worst Federal Penitentiaries to Skip: Skipping while incarcerated at San Quentin State Prison, ADX Florence (also known as the Alcatraz of the Rockies), or Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp can brighten your spirits, as well as those of your fellow inmates. As long as they vote not to beat you to a bloody pulp. We recommend reading, “100 choses que vous pouvez faire lorsque vous êtes soumis à l’isolement cellulaire” by Enzo “Il Serpente” Moretti before you start your sentence.
Special Skipping Considerations if You’re Blind: For most people, navigating aimlessly in the dark can offer some unusual challenges. But the vision-impaired can still enjoy the thrill of skipping in the dark. We recommend being accompanied by Certified Blind Skipping Guide by the International Skipping and Sight Impairment Association (ISSIA).
Skipping offers a plethora of physical and emotional benefits. By incorporating skipping into one’s fitness routine, individuals can experience improved joint health, burn more calories, and enjoy a boost in overall happiness. But, that’s just what my marketing department told me to say.
So why not toss aside the shackles of societal norms, and embrace the freedom and joy of skipping? You’ll be glad you did.
