From: Thaddeus Federman, CEO, Acme Office Supplies To: All employees Subject: New Restroom Visitation Policies
It has come to our attention that employees have been wasting an inordinate amount of time visiting the restroom during business hours. Up until now, Acme Office Supplies has allowed unlimited visits, with no accounting for lost work time while using the facilities.
That’s about to change.
Beginning on Monday, visits to the restrooms will be limited to a maximum of two, ten-minute visits per visit per employee — one visit in the morning and one in the afternoon. Each visit begins the moment the employee leaves their desk and ends when they return. It includes travel time to and from the facilities and time spent waiting for elevators. The schedule is as follows:
In addition to the liberal visitation schedule, you will be required to observe the following guidelines:
- Requests for additional restroom visits will be denied unless accompanied by a note from their urologist in triplicate, at least three weeks in advance.
- If an employee misses their scheduled morning visit, they forfeit it and must wait until the following day.
- Employees are free to exchange their scheduled visit times with other employees with different last names. All exchange requests must be approved by their department manager and cannot be banked for the future.
- Employees are granted three additional, “wild card” visits per month that may be banked for emergencies such as laxative use or bachelor parties at Mexican restaurants.
- Men and women may not use each other’s facilities if the other is full.
- Employees are allowed three sheets of toilet paper per visit and will show up as line item deductions on their bi-weekly paycheck.
Employees are allowed a maximum of five minutes use of the stalls and may only gain entry by first scanning their thumbprint. Once the maximum time has expired, the stall door will burst open, an alarm will sound, followed by a red light flashing, and their photo will be captured and forwarded to the Human Resources department.
- Employees who exceed their allotted times will have their photographs published in the company newsletter, along with their name, cell phone number and email address. Their names will also be posted on the bulletin board in the Employee Lounge and identified as habitual offenders of company policies.
- Employees whose photos are posted three times will be suspended from work for two weeks without pay and be required to attend a 12-step classes on how to properly use a company restroom.
Note: Employees who turn in violators can earn bonus visits, Costco discount cards and free car washes at Super Suds.
We’re excited about the new policies at Acme Office Supplies and hope you will be too. They should result in a more efficient workplace for all. If you have any questions regarding the new policies, please contact your manager at their home after 9:00 P.M.
Thank you
The management
