Lausanne, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee (IOC) stunned the sports world this week by announcing that beginning with the 2024 Summer Olympic Games in Paris, France, they will be changing the line-up of some of the more traditional summer events in favor of newer, more exciting competitions meant to capture the hearts of both the athletes and the viewing public.
“The aging menu of our current athletic events in combination with the recent banning of in-person spectators have caused us to take another look at our current list of Olympic events,” said IOC President Thomas Bach. “I mean, hey! Some of these competitions like Greco-Roman wrestling have been around longer than I have. And I’m pretty old. It’s time for a change.” So, with the full support of his fellow Olympic committee members, Bach released a summary of what we can expect to see in Paris, France in 2024.
In fact, the decision to fill the aquatic pools with Grape Jell-O will affect all of the aquatic events, including water polo, synchronized swimming, and 10m platform diving. “This is really going to screw things up,” said United States Olympian Gedeon Rosenberg. “In the past, if I was just a little off entering the water, it was no big deal,” said Rosenberg. “But, dude! If the deep end is full of a semi-liquid gelatinous dessert, I could hit the surface and break my neck. At the very least, there’ll be a humongous splat!”
Hell, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m only twelve years old and already pumped up on steroids, I’d seriously consider retiring from Olympic cycling altogether! — Blahoslav Kratochvíl
Other Olympic events that can look forward to minor changes are all of the cycling competitions, including the Men’s and Women’s Olympic Road Race, the Olympic Time Trials, Men’s and Women’s Olympic Cross-country Mountain Biking, Olympic BMX Racing, as well as all Track Cycling. They’ll all be switching from traditional, two-wheel bicycles, to unicycles. “I don’t know about all of the others, but that announcement really caught me by surprise,” said Blahoslav Kratochvíl, member of the Czech Republic cycling team. “I mean, I’ve been riding on two wheels since before I could even walk,” said Kratochvíl. “Learning how to ride a unicycle — especially on narrow, mountainous single-tracks — is really going to take some practice. Hell, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m only twelve years old and already pumped up on steroids, I’d seriously consider retiring from Olympic cycling altogether. I guess now I’ll have to work on becoming a world-class unicycler!”
“We’re also making larger adjustments to other events,” said Bach. “For instance, we’re replacing regulation basketballs with fifteen-ounce handballs. “We’re swapping two-pound Bocce balls for handballs, and using “Super Balls” in table tennis events.”
A number of other familiar sports will be replaced with others that have a more “international” appeal:
Old Event: Softball
New Event: Buzkashi
Buzkashi, literally translated as goat pulling in Persian, is a central Asian sport in which horse-mounted players attempt to throw a goat or calf carcass into the goal. Your family and friends will thrill to the action and the unique fragrance of rotting goat flesh draped over the back of a sweaty horse that’s been standing for hours in the hot sun!
Old Event: Equestrian
New Event: Medieval Jousting
Jousting is a martial game or hastilude between two Olympic horse riders wielding lances with pathetically dull tips. Normally, the objective is to impale your opponent and ride away with the damsel in distress. However, with Olympic Medieval Jousting, the objective is for each athlete to “bump” their opponent square in the middle of their chest armor, unhorsing them in time to get to Starbucks before they close for the evening.
Old Event: Soccer
New Event: Cycleball
Cycleball — also known as radball — is a two-on-two competition between riders using fixed-gear bicycles without a freewheel, gears, brakes, clipless pedals, water bottle holders, rear-view mirrors, dog baskets, cellphone holders, or kickstands. The ball is controlled by the bike and the cyclists’ heads, except when defending the goal. The most successful players on record were the exciting Pospíšil brothers of Czechoslovakia, world champions twenty times between 1965 and 1988. Closely related is Artistic Cycling in which the athletes perform a kind of gymnastics on cycles. Artistic cycling is under consideration for the Los Angeles Olympic Games in 2028.
Old Event: Judo
New Event: Shin Kicking
Shin-kicking, also known as shin digging or purring, is an ancient combat sport that involves two contestants attempting to kick each other on the shins and force them to the ground. It was one of the most popular events at the Cotswold Olimpick Games until the Games ended in the 1850s — one reason why it’s being brought back. The athletes typically attempt to strike their opponent’s shin with the inside of their foot or using steel-toed boots. Success in the event requires both agility and the ability to endure pain before the loser cries out Sufficient! when he has had enough.
Old Event: Pole Vaulting
New Event: Bo-Taoshi
The Japanese sport of Bo-Taoshi, or pole toppling, consists of two teams — up to a whopping 150 people per team! The goal of the game is simple: to topple the opposing team’s pole, followed by consumption of mass quantities of Sapporo beer.
Old Event: Rowing
New Event: Giant Pumpkin Kayaking
The rules for Giant Pumpkin Kayaking are simple. You carve out a 600 hundred to 800 pound pumpkin and paddle the heck out of it in hopes of being the first to complete the course in the least amount of time. There are three divisions for competition: paddle, motorized, and experimental. Currently, the IOC is considering the paddle division for future competition.
Old Event: Tennis
New Event: Quidditch
Quidditch is J.K. Rowling’s silly idea about running around in knee pants while riding brooms, playing a game that nobody understands or knows how to score. The IOC has scheduled an exhibition match during the 2021 Olympic Games in Tokyo, providing the demonstration team’s brooms clear customs and no one gets infected with diseases, tests positive for steroids, or both.
Old Event: Triathlon
New Event: Cheese Rolling, Wife Carrying and Bog Snorkeling
The New Triathlon consists of three events beginning with Cheese Rolling participants racing down a 200-yard-long hill, chasing after a round of Double Gloucester cheese. From there, the Wife Carrying competitors race against each other while carrying a female teammate — not necessarily their wife — on their backs. The male competitor attempts to carry the female through a special obstacle course in the least amount of time. The final leg consists of Bog Snorkeling, first introduced in Sonkajärvi, Finland. Bog Snorkeling involves swimming through a 55-meter peat bog with a snorkel tube and flippers in the least amount of time. At present, the IOC has only approved a men’s division but is considering a women’s division by the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles if it successfully passes a Title IX review.
Old Event: Volleyball
New Event: Bossaball
Bossaball is like traditional volleyball, but the ball can be kept in the air with any part of the body and can be hit up to eight times by one team before it must go over the net. Medal-winning matches have been known to go on for months before a winner is declared.
Old Event: Wrestling
New Event: Toe Wrestling
Toe wrestling involves two opponents who lock their bodies and feet together, then attempt to pin each other down. As with arm wrestling, there is no time limit. The game was invented by four drinkers in Ye Olde Royal Oak Inn in Alabama, Staffordshire in 1974, who were bemoaning the fact that the United Kingdom struggled to produce world champions in any sport. Logically, if a new sport was invented that no one else knows how to play, the country could boast a champion.
So, if your patience has grown thin and you’re struggling to work your way through the 2020 (which is really the 2021) Olympics, buck up and have patience. There are plenty of thrills and chills in store your you four years from now; or will it be three years? I don’t know. I can never keep these things straight.
