Truth or Consequences, NM — After more than twenty years of planning and rigorous training, Sir Richard Branson became the first British civilian to fly into space today, onboard Virgin Galactic’s Unity22 spacecraft. But it didn’t come without its failures.
“I knew things weren’t going right from the beginning,” said Branson. “I had to wait hours at the ticket counter because someone messed up my reservation. I mean, for God’s sake! It’s not like there are thousands of civilian billionaires going up into space on a Sunday morning.” And the problems didn’t end there.
Evidently, Branson’s name was targeted on the Department of Homeland Security’s “No Fly” list. As a result, he was subjected to an in-depth cavity search at the TSA screening counter and told to remove all of his piercings; including both nipple rings. He was also screened for THC, LSD, cocaine, ecstasy, and six types of Nicaraguan tobacco before being allowed to proceed to the boarding gate.
Once onboard, Branson got into an argument with Colin Bennett over their seating assignments. “Frankly, we couldn’t understand why Sir Richard got his undies in such a knot,” said Mitchell Saltzmann, lead flight attendant on the Unity22. “I mean, there were only FOUR seats. And all of them were both window and aisle seats.” But, Branson just wanted to show everyone who was in charge and eventually settled down when they gave him a miniature Unity22 to play with until take-off.
“What a rip-off!” exclaimed Sir Richard. “You call that a space flight? I’ve been stuck on the tarmac at Heathrow for longer than ninety minutes. This was nothing but a preposterous publicity stunt!”
“The meals weren’t much to brag about, either,” said Branson. You’d think after spending over a million dollars for a ninety-minute flight, they’d serve us something like Oysters Rockefeller, Masa Toro with Caviar, or Lobster Frittata. But instead, all they gave us was a microwaved Corn Dog and an eight-ounce can of lukewarm Dr. Pepper!”
“We apologized profusely,” said Saltzmann. “But what Sir Richard and the other passengers couldn’t accept was because the flight was so short, we had a limited amount of time to prepare in-flight menus. I mean, we barely got around to passing out copies of Hemispheres and Southwest Airlines Spirit, not to mention the beverage cart.”
After a successful take-off, things began to settle down until the passengers began arguing over their choice of in-flight movies. “I wanted to see 2001 A Space Odyssey,” said Branson. “But the other passengers wanted to see Spaceballs. I mean, c’mon!”
Once the Unity22 successfully reached the zenith of its flight — weightlessness — Branson unfastened his seat belt and began ricocheting off the walls like a hyper-active kid on too much candy. “Thirty seconds into the zenith, Sir Richard became upset when he lost his special NASA pen — the one that’s advertised as being able to write upside down, underwater and in space,” said Saltzmann. “Fortunately, he finally returned to his seat after finding it wedged underneath Sirisha Bandla’s tennis racquet.”
Once the crew successfully landed the spacecraft, you’d think their problems would be over. They weren’t. “After a few cocktails and five minutes of weightlessness, Sir Richard became irate and impossible to handle,” said Beth Moses, Virgin Galactic’s Chief Astronaut Instructor. “He demanded that the pilot take off and do it again.
“What a rip-off!” exclaimed Sir Richard. “You call that a space flight? I’ve been stuck on the tarmac at Heathrow for longer than ninety minutes. This was nothing but a preposterous publicity stunt!”
With the help of military police, the three other passengers, and sixteen crew members, they eventually managed to wrestle Sir Richard off the plane and into the special reception center Virgin Galactic had prepared for his press briefing.
“For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to go into space,” said Branson. “After today’s successful flight I want to enable hundreds of thousands of other billionaires with nothing to do, to share my experience.” said Sir Richard. “Let’s just hope the food and in-flight movies improve by that time.”
