Lausanne, Switzerland — The International Olympic Committee has announced that in addition to banning all spectators in the upcoming Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan, they will be banning all athletes from competing, as well. At least from the traditional venues.
Current IOC President Thomas Bach announced yesterday, “While we are still moving ahead with the XXXIII Summer Olympics in Tokyo, because of the threat of the covid disease, athletes from around the world will not be allowed to compete together as a group in Japan. Instead, they will participate in isolated Zoom sessions from the safety of their own living rooms while wearing personal protective equipment.”
“At first, I was blown away,” said Kyle Drake, a wrestling hopeful from the United States. “But that’s OK. Instead of wrestling athletes from other countries in the Men’s Freestyle 125kg weight class, my 87-year-old grandmother has volunteered to compete against me in the safety of our family den with the rest of the family cheering me on. I’m just not sure how we’ll keep our masks on yet, but we’ll figure something out.”
It is expressly forbidden to spit, belch or fart during competition. That goes for the men, too.
Other athletes like US women’s pole vaulter, Sandi Morris, were less than enthused. “How in the hell am I supposed to compete from my living room? It only has an eight-foot ceiling!” Even though Morris’ father has been laid off from his job at Adohr Farms because of the covid-19 pandemic, he spared no expense in extending the height of their living room ceiling in Downers Grove, IL to more than twenty-five feet to accommodate his daughter’s world-record pole vaulting. “While I wish her all the best, I just don’t know what we’re going to do if Sandi starts jumping higher than twenty feet,” said Morris. “We just don’t have room to extend the ceiling anymore!”
In an effort to keep athletes and the general public as safe as possible, and present the competitors in an interesting, competitive way, the IOC has come up with a list of fifteen directives for athletes competing in the XXXIII Olympics using Zoom:
- Athletes must be properly attired in their official Olympic uniforms at all times. Sweatpants, tank tops, shorts, Karate Gis, equestrian pants, baseball uniforms, golf hats and bathing suits are expressly forbidden.
- Athletes must wear appropriate footwear at all times. Flip-flops and house slippers are banned from competition unless officially certified by the IOC Standards Review Committee.
- Eating, smoking, and drinking alcoholic beverages are forbidden while competing on Zoom.
- Maintain proper lighting at all times during competitions. Pick a spot where the source of light is constantly and directly behind your camera, throwing light on your face.
- Choose a location with a suitable background for competing. Avoid competing from your bathroom, bedroom, attic, or using digital backgrounds of the surface of the moon, Paris, or Niagara Falls.
- Keep small children, deliverymen, and the elderly from wandering aimlessly into your Zoom competition.
- Do not compete while wearing headphones or earbuds.
- Maintain eye contact with the camera at all times during competition.
- Avoid changing your contact lenses, picking your nose, popping zits, curling your eyelashes, brushing your teeth, flossing, and all other personal grooming during live competition.
- Avoid vocal monotony. Use a variety of speed, volume, pitch, and inflection in your voice while competing.
- Lengths and weights must be recorded in official standards. Results like “a little over eighteen feet,” or “a skosh more than 245 pounds” are not acceptable.
- Sending private messages via Zoom chat while competing is forbidden.
- It is expressly forbidden to spit, belch or fart during competition. That goes for the men, too.
- Shot putters, weight lifters, boxers, and wrestlers: please remember to press the “mute” button while competing.
- Even if you’ve lost your event in disgrace, be sure to wave ‘goodbye’ and smile when leaving the video competition.
“None of us really know if these standards will work,“ says IOC President Bach. “It’s new to all of us. We’re just hoping for an exciting, and healthy Olympic games. If we think these standards were effective, we might look into keeping them in place for Paris, Los Angeles, and beyond!”
