Me: I’d like to return this bag of ice cubes.
Walmart: Yes, sir. I’m sorry to hear that your Walmart purchase wasn’t satisfactory. Do you have your receipt?
M: Yes, it’s right here.
W: Fine. Now, what was it you want to return?
M: A bag of ice cubes.
W: Did you buy the bag of iced cubes at a store or online?
M: I bought it here.
W: I see. Do you have the original packaging?
M: Yes. It’s right here.
W: Fine. I see the plastic bag, but where are the ice cubes?
M: Well, they used to be here, but they’re gone now.
W: What happened to them?
M: They evaporated.
W: How did that happen?
M: I set the bag of ice cubes down on my kitchen counter, then had to answer Zoom call.
W: I still don’t understand. What happened to the ice cubes?
M: By the time I finished my Zoom call, the ice cubes had evaporated.
W: I understand. Unfortunately, I can’t give you your money back.
M: Why not?
W: There’s nothing here but an empty bag.
M: Yes, but there used to be ten pounds of ice cubes in it.
W: I understand, but I can’t refund your money for something that’s not here.
M: Well, Walmart’s refund policy says you can. According to your website, you state:
Returns are available for nearly everything Walmart sells. If an item you received from Walmart is damaged or defective, you can return it by mail or at any Walmart store for a refund.
W: I understand your concern sir, but as I said, I can’t refund your money for something that’s not here. What was wrong with them?
M: I didn’t like the way the ice cubes clumped together.
W: I see. What was wrong with the way the ice cubes clumped together?
M: I couldn’t use them in my tumblers of single malt scotch.
W: But, being clumped together is not really considered an ice cube defect. It’s considered a feature.
M: A feature? How’s that?
W: Most people buy ice cubes to put in coolers, to keep their beer cold. They like to have their ice cubes clumped together. Some people even pay extra for it.
M: But, I don’t drink beer from a cooler. I drink single malt scotch.
W: Well I’m sorry sir, but I can’t refund your money for defective ice cubes. Especially when all you brought me is an empty bag.
M: Can’t you just return this empty bag for another bag of ice cubes? Ones that aren’t clumped together?
W: Sir, you’re asking me to refund you the $2.17 you paid for a ten-pound bag of clumped together ice cubes for a bag with nothing in it. Walmart can’t do that. You should have returned the ten-pound bag of clumped together ice cubes immediately after you bought them. We could have refunded your money then.
M: But your return policy states, We recommend keeping track of all manufacturer packaging and your receipt for a minimum of 90 days after purchase. I just bought them on Tuesday.
W: I’m sorry sir. There’s simply nothing I can do to refund you the $2.17 you paid for a ten-pound bag of clumped together ice cubes for a bag with nothing in it. You’ll have to contact our corporate headquarters. Is there anything else I can do for you?
M: Yes. You can take my original ten-pound bag of clumped together ice cubes with you on your way to Hell. You’re going to need it.
