There’s only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your girlfriend. – Jack Nicholson
I’ve never told a lie. Now, that right there is a lie. But if you have, you know the sinking feeling of being caught like a deer in the headlights. The blood rushes from your head to your feet, you begin to hyperventilate and sweat profusely as you begin scrambling to tell another lie to cover up the one you just made up. But, it doesn’t have to be that way.
The secret to getting away with lying is the same as throwing a boomerang. It revolves around three crucial elements that I picked up while reading an article in Boomerang Sportsman at the doctor’s office:
1. Choosing the right size lie
2. Dealing with incoming lies
3. Limiting the number of lies you have in orbit at one time
Choosing the right size lie is the key to success. In the beginning, stick to concocting small fabrications that are easy to handle. It lets you focus more on your delivery. But, beware. Small lies will only hover for twenty-four to forty-eight hours before they return to bite you in the ass:
Example: “I’m sorry I’m late. I got bitten by a venomous snake in the parking garage.”
No matter how talented you are at telling whoppers, eventually, they’ll come back to haunt you. How you deal with them could be the difference between remaining unscathed or spending the night on the couch. Use good judgment when you deal with incoming lies. If you don’t think you can handle one, drop it like a hot potato and come up with a more creative one to take its place:
Example: “That’s not a hickey on the side of my neck. I got hit with a racquetball at lunch.”
After you’ve crafted and delivered the perfect fib, it’s important that you limit the number of lies you keep in orbit at any given time. Even if you’re an experienced raconteur, it’s impossible to keep track of how many zingers you have hanging out there and when they’ll be back. Lies also tend to increase in size and gain speed the longer you keep them in orbit. A small, insignificant exaggeration you told as a teenager can grow and find its way back to you when you’re a middle-aged CEO of a Fortune 500 company:
Example: “I can’t come into the office this morning. I’ve come down with a sudden case of Asberger’s Syndrome.”
Lies can easily become warped or dented over time due to repeated crash landings or fumbled catches. Always use good judgment when crafting and delivering a lie. Good perjurers live by the golden rule of lying: “Never tell a lie bigger than you’re willing to defend.”
If you’ve run out of options and have too many lies floating around in orbit, you may want to enlist the help of a friend. Someone who has experience as a telemarketer, sperm donor, or politician. People in those industries are masters at keeping zingers in the air for months at a time.
With a little love and care, most of the problems people run into when telling lies can easily be patched up, added to their arsenal, and re-used in perfect working order, ready to pitch out again.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston Churchill
