With the economy in the toilet for the third straight year, Matt and Kimberly Williams were beginning to doubt they’d ever be able to afford the large brood of babies they dreamed about while dating at Harvard. Matt lost his job as the Chief Financial Officer at Preston Porsche & Audi, while Kimberly was reduced to reading Tarot Cards in their basement.
In addition to building a life filled with memories and adventures, the couple was looking ahead to the practical aspects of having children – cheap labor for household chores and someone to roll them over and change their diapers when they slipped into old age. The problem, however, was the cost of having children the conventional way. To make matters worse, Kimberly didn’t want to endure the pain of childbirth or lose her sorority-sister figure, so the couple began contemplating adoption.
“Are you sure?” asked Matt. “When you buy a used baby, you never know if there’s anything wrong with it until you get it home. Who was the previous owner? How well did they maintain them? Have they been in any accidents, and if so, how badly were they damaged? You just can’t tell by looking at them.”
One evening, the Williams visited a local orphanage looking for discount babies. While they knew they couldn’t afford a brand new one, a 2 or 3 year old model might be within their means. “What about an older kid?” asked cost-conscious Kimberly. “Maybe something in the 12 to 14 year old range?” “Absolutely not,” exclaimed Matt. “By the time a kid gets to be that age, things start to wear out. Oh sure, they’ll gussy them up by giving them a haircut, a shower and a new set of clothes, but you’re never certain what kind of mileage is on a kid once they reach 14. When they get to be that age, all the soft tissues begin cracking and they start leaking fluids. They might have even rolled back their birth certificate to make them look younger.”
Good point. The only sure way to know what kind of kid you were really adopting was to get them while they were young, before they racked up a lot of miles, crashed their tricycle, needed braces or had the Chickenpox, Croup, Rickets, Measles, Mumps, Osgood Schlatter Disease, Whooping cough, Tourette’s Syndrome, Scarlet fever, ADD or ADHD. “Hell,” said Matt. “They might have even taken them to a body shop to patch a cleft pallet.” He was right. You never knew.
Kimberly also considered going abroad to adopt one of the thousands of adorable children from China, Japan, Ethiopia, Viet Nam, Columbia or the Philippines. With the weak dollar, you could get an adorable little girl for the price of an iPad, but Matt wouldn’t have anything to do with it. “I’m not letting any foreign job into this house. Besides, imported models are difficult to maintain. First, there’s locating parts for them. Then there’s finding someone qualified to work on them. A friend of mine had a little Fiat that ran him into the poor house.” Kimberly reminded him that they were talking about a child and not an Italian sports car, but he still wouldn’t have anything to do with it. This family was going American.
After months of trolling Craigslist, they picked out three babies to look at from Dealin’ Delbert’s Fine Used Babies: Chaim, Eshkol and Matityahu. They finally settled on Chaim because his name in Hebrew means “Life” which would probably work out better than Eshkol (meaning “cluster of grapes”) or Matityahu which translates to “Gift from God.” Nobody wants to be the parents of a fifth grader walking into the first day of class with a name like “Gift from God.” It could be rough.
Finally, the big day came. Time to go out and meet little Chaim. Chaim was a beautiful 18-month-old boy with dark hair and large inquisitive eyes. Matt didn’t quite know how to handle the negotiations, so he just poked Chaim in the chest a few times with his index finger and lightly kicked his legs to see how well he maintained his balance. Dealin’ Delbert had to remind him that this was a child and not a used Carrera. “How’s his suspension?” Matt asked. “Has be been in a wreck? Can I see a copy of his Babyfax report?” Matt was determined not to be duped into assuming someone else’s problems. At the same time, Kimberly fell instantly in love with little Chaim, so they made preparations to take him home.
While Kimberly was cooing over Chaim, Matt got down to brass tacks. He took Dealin’ Delbert aside and asked, “So, how much is this little bundle of joy going to cost us? What kind of a warranty does he come with, and for how long?” Delbert assured him that they had selected an excellent child. “Chaim just had all of his shots and comes with a 2-year limited warranty, which covers all parts, labor and major repairs to his drive train. We just gave him his 18-month transfusion and will even throw in a gift certificate for a free circumcision.” That sealed the deal. They drove little Chaim home.
Apart from the incessant crying and projectile vomiting, which is normal for a child his age, Chaim has been a bundle of joy. Matt taught him how to drive and mow the back lawn, while Kimberly showed him how to start searching for adopted brothers and sisters on her laptop. It won’t be long before the Williams will have their brood.
