During one of my recent nocturnal online shopping trips, I came across a number of great new products designed for weight control. Well, they hadn’t actually become products yet, but were still in the “figment of someone’s imagination” phase – based enough in reality to have been issued patents, but still miles away from seeing the light of day. I did, however, manage to find three that were for sale, so I scooped them up before they disappeared from the market.
Scientists and Registered Dieticians agree that most of us are overweight because they eat too much, too fast. That’s where the Alarm Fork comes in. This handy battery-operated utensil comes with two lights embedded in the handle – one green and one red. Sensors in the tangs of the fork tell it when it’s loaded with food and turn the red light on. After you slide the empty fork out of your mouth, a built-in timer insures that the red light stays lit until you’ve had time to completely chew and swallow your food, when the light turns green.
I liked the Alarm Fork because of its tamper-proof settings based on my height, weight and metabolic rate. Whether I’m having Thanksgiving dinner at home with my family or savoring my last meal on death row, the Alarm Fork continues to out-perform all its competitors. It also comes with a smart looking imitation leather carrying case and sturdy belt clip, so I’ll never have to wonder where I misplaced it. There are even extra slots for a knife and spoon.
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If you’re like me, you’ve probably tried to lose weight through dieting, exercise, drinking large quantities of water and holding your breath at the bottom of a swimming pool, but still manage to rack up the pounds. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel, I came across the Mouth Cage.
The Mouth Cage is so simple, it’s a wonder no one has come up with the idea before. Well, actually, they have. Patterned after the device worn by Dr. Hannibal Lecter in the Academy Award winning movie, “The Silence of the Lambs,” the Mouth Cage is a scaled down version of the one worn by Hannibal the Cannibal and is light enough for the office, church and Overeaters Anonymous meetings.
The Mouth Cage is both functional and attractive. Constructed from a series of thin stainless steel wires that criss-cross and cover my entire mouth, it still allows me to speak and laugh but not eat, drink or vomit. At the end of the day, my Weight Watchers sponsor simply removes the device and pops it into the dishwasher, so it’s sparkling clean the next day.
At first, I was concerned about how the Mouth Cage would look and be received by my friends and co-workers. Fortunately, it comes in a variety of festive colors and designs so it matches whatever I’m wearing. It’s even available in a beautiful, stainless steel model with a lustrous chrome finish for those special occasions like weddings, funerals and the Academy Awards.
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Even as effective as the other products are, there are times when I still cave into temptation. For those particularly difficult times, it’s nice to know that I can depend on the Oral Alert. This handy device looks just like a wrist watch – and it is. But besides being able to tell the time, this amazing device prevents me from engaging in compulsive behaviors like overeating, smoking, drinking, snorting cocaine or sucking my thumb. Here’s how it works.
The Oral Alert incorporates space age technology using three axis attitude sensors, programmed to sound an ear-splitting alarm any time my hand comes within an inch of my mouth. It includes several “free periods” during the day when it’s acceptable to sneeze or pick my nose. Being particularly void of will power, I went ahead and ordered two Oral Alerts – one for each wrist.
Like its cousin the Mouth Cage, the Oral Alert is designed to be donned and secured in the morning by my psychiatrist. In the event that I need to remove them during the day to play water polo or visit the emergency room, each device contains remotely operated circuitry so he or my parole officer can unlock them using a PC or iPad. There’s even a handy app designed for iPhones.
With the Alarm Fork, Mouth Cage and Oral Alert, losing weight has never been easier. Gone are the days of subjecting my family to all of those fad diets, extreme exercise regimens and expensive medical procedures. I just sit back and watch the pounds melt away!
