At the end of a haircut the other day, my barber asked, “Would you like me to touch up your eyebrows a bit?” “I don’t know,” I said. I never really thought about it. “Do they need it?” The mere fact that he asked means that they probably did. People don’t usually ask you, “Would you like an Altoid?” unless your breath is already peeling paint off the walls.
There was a time when no one would have asked me about my eyebrows. But, I guess that’s one of the drawbacks of getting older. I also have to trim the inside of my ears, nose, my chest and have my back waxed. Some people have actually become famous from their bushy brows – people like Andy Rooney, Susan Boyle, Peter Gallagher, Sam Waterston, Walter Cronkite, Martin Scorsese and Lt. Worf from Star Trek.
The entire way home, I ruminated over all of the people throughout history who have made fashion statements with their hair. You can bet Adolph Hitler’s barber never suggested growing a handlebar moustache or mutton chops for a change. Nor would Wyatt Earp have been Wyatt Earp if he wore a little, one-inch moustache directly below his nose and his hair slathered across his forehead. Mr. T would never wear his hair like Donald Trump – and vice versa.
Because of the phenomenal strides made in hair transplants, I rarely miss an opportunity to ridicule anyone who wears a comb over – especially a really bad one. I don’t know why a rich, high powered executive like David Gergen would want to spend hours in the morning stretching an 8 inch length of hair from one side of his head to the other when he could opt to have the entire top of his head riddled in hair plugs or covered with that spray paint for men. Besides, we’ve all seen what happens – one stiff breeze and it kicks straight up like the lid on an open can of cat food. But after serving as advisor to four U.S. Presidents, his lapse in tonsorial judgment obviously hasn’t hurt his career. I just wish someone would tell him how ridiculous he looks. Why not just shave his head? Hey, it worked for Dwight Eisenhower and James Carville.
Once upon a time in medieval Japan, having a bald head with a ponytail was a mark of distinction and virility. Even if they had a full head of hair, ruthless Japanese Samurai would shave the tops of their heads and pull their ponytails back tighter than a banjo string. It was done to help keep their helmets on their heads, so it probably wouldn’t work that well for David Gergen. I’ve never seen him wear a helmet.
Then, of course, there’s the powdered wig. Kings, aristocrats, presidents, politicians and composers wore them throughout history. Present-day barristers in England still wear them. It all started with King Louis XIII of France. He suffered from male pattern baldness and was sick of being mocked by the King of England, so he wore the biggest wig he could find. By 1665, anyone with aspirations of moving up in European society wore a wig – the bigger the better – although I don’t think it would catch on now. Despite television commercials to the contrary, you really can’t swim or run on the beach wearing a powdered wig.
Men continue to express their individualism by wearing full beards, chinstraps, goatees, handlebar moustaches, neckbeards, Shenandoahs, sideburns, soul patches, two-day stubbles, toothbrush moustaches and Van Dykes. Both sexes continue to choose from a variety of hairstyles that have been around for decades: the afro, bob cut, bowl cut, bun, buzz cut, cornrows, crew cut, dreadlocks, duck’s ass, finger wave, flattop, French twist, the jarhead, Jheri curl, Liberty spikes, Mohawk, mullet, pageboy, pigtails, pixie cut, pompadour, ponytail, shag, updo and waves – with and without bangs.
On the other hand, women battle hirsutism by shaving, tweezing, depilating or waxing unwanted hair from every nook and cranny of their bodies. They’ll attack superfluous hair over their lips, underneath their arms, their sideburns, nipples, middle of their chest, belly buttons, beards, arms and legs. And then there’s the pubic region. Even though no one’s supposed to see it, women will let their pubic hair go au naturel, or trim it into a triangle, landing strip (ironically, called a Hitler’s Moustache), heart, diamond, spade and club, arrow, pyramid, free style, attach pubic hair extensions or do away with the entire growth with a Brazilian wax.
It wasn’t until after I got home and did a little research, that I discovered how many ways there are to interpret “touching up my eyebrows a bit.” Originally, I thought my barber just wanted to cut them with scissors. I found out later that had I said yes, he might have started tweezing, waxing, restoring or threading. I don’t have a unibrow, so he probably wasn’t thinking of doing an eyebrow transplant. Nor do I think I need an eyebrow lift.
Besides preventing sweat, water and other debris from falling into your eye sockets, eyebrows are important in communication and facial expressions. It’s hard to imagine Sean Connery being very sexy without eyebrows.
So, the next time someone asks you if you’d like your eyebrows “touched up a bit,” pause before you answer. You may have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
