It’s that time again. The time when television network executives decide which shows will make their fall line-up and those that won’t. Here’s a brief list of what you won’t be seeing on the major television networks this year:
CSI: Proctologist – CSI: Proctologist follows Dr. Sam Sloan, accompanied by hard drinking, divorced New York City Detective, Mitchell Perez through a typical work day. The opening scene shows Dr. Sloan and Detective Perez standing over a bullet-ridden body with a 12-inch Bowie knife protruding from it’s back:
Detective Perez: “So, Doc. What do you think was the cause of death?”
Dr. Sloan: “It’s hard to tell, Mitch. I’ll have to wait until I get the body back to the lab. Off hand, I’m thinkin’ it was polyps in his colon or extreme loss of blood due to rectal fissures.”
This Old Souse – After losing his major lawsuit with PBS, filing bankruptcy, divorce and hocking all of his tools to pay his alimony, alcoholic and drug abusing Bob Villa somehow manages to stagger around his dilapidated workshop in his stained sweatpants, showing viewers how to perform common home repairs like patching over bullet holes from the party last night, getting blood stains out of carpets and replacing a front door that was run down by the Hells Angels.
Law and Order: Special Janitorial Unit – The most recent in a string of successful Law and Order programs created by Dick Wolfe, Law and Order SJU keeps viewers riveted to the edge of their seats as they follow janitors emptying trash cans, mopping up puke from holding cells, washing the detective’s coffee cups and replacing the toilet paper in the women’s restroom.
NCIS: Guthrie, Oklahoma – The Naval Criminal Investigation Service is challenged in a series of investigations that occur thousands of miles away from the nearest body of water or Naval facility. In the opening scene, the team is dispatched to Okie Ink, where sailors on leave are extorting free tattoos from owners Frankie Heller, Fenecia Doolin and Becky Burton. After their arrests, the sailors are bused back to Treasure Island, California where they were given dishonorable discharges and three books of Green Stamps.
Lost Springs Medical – Lost Springs Medical follows three newly graduated medical students as they meander their way through their first year of residency in Wyoming’s smallest town (population: 10). Students take turns barking orders at each other as they pretend to be the Chief Medical Examiner, Chief of Surgery and Chief of Emergency Services performing unnecessary medical procedures on elderly Medicare patients who have accidentally wandered into town.
Lost: The Sahara Desert – In the latest installment of the popular adventure series, the participants are dropped from a helicopter into the sand dunes of Sahara Marzup, Libya and forced to duke it out against their fellow contestants, armed with only a liter of water, and a pogo stick until they reach the seacoast port of Shott el Jerid. From there, contestants are forced to swim back to the United States, where they’ll file for new visitor visas.
The Warehouse – With the failing economy at Dunder-Mifflin paper company, Michael Scott, Dwight Schrute and Pam Beesly have been demoted to the company’s warehouse operation where they get involved in a series of hilarious circumstances like racing fork lifts, weighing boxes in shipping and receiving and figuring out how to operate a time clock.
Afghan Idol – After nine years of success in the United States, the producers of American Idol have branched out with Afghan Idol. The series opens with 21 hopefuls, including Abdul Khaliq Aziz, Beltoon, Daud Noori (“Noori Dog”), and Deepika Thathaal. The fun starts with the contestants belting out Afghan favorites such as “Kojahee” and “Jaan-e Maadar,” while judges Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler try to figure out how to pronounce the contestants’ names.
Who Wants to be Broke? – Spun off of the popular television show, “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” contestants share their net worth with the producers prior to the start of the show. They then answer a series of increasingly difficult questions, betting their answers against their homes, cars, boats, Aspen ski condo, children’s college funds, and other valuable assets. When the contestants have been completely wiped out, they are sent home with a $100 gift certificate to Legal Zoom.
The Biggest Loser 2011 – Unlike the immensely popular reality show pitting personal trainer Jillian Michaels against obese contestants struggling to lose weight, The Biggest Loser 2020 follows ten slovenly, unemployed losers on welfare, food stamps and unemployment as they make their way through a typical day, bilking the system out of as much money as they can before getting arrested by the police. The winner gets an all-expense paid vacation to the Los Angeles County court system that includes free jump suits, homemade shivs, three meals a day and free bus transportation back and forth between their court appearances.
