I was in my early 20s, when I decided to take a break from the tedious life I had created for myself and spend a summer in Munich, Germany. Ever since I saw Leni Riefenstahl’s epic documentary of the 1938 Olympic Games, I wanted to experience for myself what it would be like to pole vault in Bavaria.
With barely $500 to live on, I realized that I’d need some way to support my trip, so I hit the straβe looking for work. After several days, the only thing I could come up with was an administrative job in the United States Army Post Exchange Headquarters. It wasn’t the greatest job I’ve ever had and certainly didn’t satisfy my desire to be immersed in German track and field, but it paid for my round airfare, and still left a little spare time to explore southern Germany on the weekends.
One day, during the height of our busiest season, my American co-workers and I began to notice how much time the German nationals were taking for “restroom breaks,” leaving us with the lion share of the work. Since it’s pretty hard to argue with someone over their hygienic practices, I wrote an imaginary memo from the Commander of the Post Exchange System to get deadbeats thinking before taking their 10th restroom break of the day. I forged the Commander’s signature, posted the memo on official letterhead and distributed it throughout the Exchange Headquarters. It read something like this:
From: Colonel John Wittenberg, Commander, United States Army Post Exchange System
To: All employees of United States Army Post Exchange System Administrative Headquarters, Munich, Germany.
Subject: New Schedule for Restroom Breaks
It has come to the attention of the Commander of the Army Post Exchange System that some staff members may be taking unfair advantage of our liberal schedule for visiting the restroom. Up until this time, the Commander has allowed unlimited visits, with little or no accounting for time lost during the workday when employees use the facilities. After auditing the amount of lost time spent in the restroom, a number of corrective measures have been put in place to bring the Army Post Exchange System back in line with similar units in other divisions of the armed forces.
Beginning on Monday, August 7, visits to the restrooms will be metered out with a maximum of ten minutes per visit per employee – one visit in the morning and one in the afternoon. Each visit begins the moment the employee leaves their desk and ends when they return. It includes travel time to and from the facilities and time spent waiting for elevators. The schedule is as follows:
| Last name beginning with the letter: | Morning restroom visit time: |
| A – D | 0800 – 0810 |
| E – H | 0810 – 0820 |
| I – L | 0820 – 0830 |
| M – P | 0830 – 0840 |
| Q – T | 0840 – 0850 |
| U – Z | 0850 – 0900 |
| Lunchtime | Facilities closed |
| Last name beginning with the letter: | Afternoon restroom visit time: |
| A – D | 1300 – 1310 |
| E – H | 1310 – 1320 |
| I – L | 1320 – 1330 |
| M – P | 1330 – 1340 |
| Q – T | 1340 – 1350 |
| U – Z | 1350 – 1400 |
In addition to the liberal visitation schedule, you are required to observe the following guidelines:
- Each employee is allowed only two restroom visits per day – one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Requests for additional visits will be denied unless accompanied with a note from their doctor.
- If an employee misses their scheduled morning visit, they forfeit that visit and must wait until their afternoon time.
- Employees are free to exchange their scheduled visit times with other employees having different last names. All exchanges must be approved by the department manager three days in advance of the requested visit.
- Employees are granted three additional, non-scheduled visits per month that may be banked for emergencies such as excessive caffeine consumption, diarrhea or dealing with the ill effects of Oktoberfest.
- Each restroom visit is limited to a total of 5 minutes and begins the moment the employee enters or exits the restroom.
- Men and women may not use each other’s facilities if the others’ is full.
- Employees must have their thumbprints scanned for entry into the stalls.
- The stall doors will not open if the employee is not using the facilities within their approved time.
- Employees are allowed three sheets of toilet paper per visit and will show up as a line item deduction on their bi-weekly paycheck at 5 cents per sheet.
- Employees are allowed a maximum of 3 ½ minutes to use the stalls. Once the maximum time has passed, the stall doors will automatically spring open, an alarm will go off and their photograph will be taken.
- Employees who exceed their allotted time will have their photographs posted in the hallways as people who habitually break company policies.
- Employees whose photos are posted three times will be suspended from work for two weeks without pay and be required to attend a two-hour Policies and Procedures class on how to properly use the restrooms.
We’re excited about the new policies and hope you will be too. They should result in a more efficient workplace for all. If you have any questions regarding the new policies, please contact your manager at their home after 9:00 P.M. Thank you.
