I have three nipples. I’m not proud of them, but there they are. Resting a few inches below my right breast, my third nipple (also called a supernumerary nipple, accessory breast, multiple breast syndrome, mammae erraticae or polythelia) was first pointed out to me in the sixth grade when I took my shirt off during a heated kickball match. At the time, it was about the same size as my female classmates’ nipples, so I was a little self-conscious about it. Since then, I’ve just accepted it and been glad it hasn’t grown any larger.
As it turns out, having three nipples is more common than I originally thought. One in 18 men and 50 women has at least one 
extra nipple. Some famous people, including Mark Wahlberg, Lily Allen, Carrie Underwood, Tilda Swinton and Anne Bolelyn (the wife of King Henry VIII) have them. Extra breasts (with or without lactating nipples) have had minor roles in the movies, The Warrior and the Sorceress, Total Recall, Star Trek V, Earth Girls are Easy, Firecracker, Flesh Gordon 2, Dumb and Dumber and Return of the Jedi. They can show up anywhere on the body and during Tudor times were considered a mark of witchcraft. Urban legend has it that one woman had a third lactating nipple on the bottom of her foot. Fortunately for her, it’s never been considered necessary to wear a bra over a third nipple – just the first two.
As a middle-age man, it’s not likely that I’ll be needing a third nipple anytime soon but having it surgically removed has been cost prohibitive, so when I go to the beach I just cover it up with a band-aid. I cover the other two with a T-shirt, pasties or my Wonder Bra.
During my polythelia research I ran across a number of other human anomalies that have plagued mankind over the past several hundred years. In 2006, a 24-year-old man checked himself into a New Delhi hospital to have his extra penis removed. Called diphallia, he wanted to have it removed so he could marry his childhood sweetheart and have a normal sex life. Naturally, when I discovered that over 100 men have had multiple genitalia, it revved up my imagination. Just think of the benefits.
If I was one of those fortunate souls with extra equipment, I could masturbate with both hands at the same time or switch between left and right. I could reduce the wear and tear on my single organ by alternating them on a regular schedule. Sort of like having your tires rotated at Walmart. Having two peckers would undoubtedly increase my chances of getting laid – even if just for the sake of curiosity. A lot of men can claim that they’re “hung like a horse,” but there aren’t too many who can brag, “I’ve got two weenies.”
In 1889, a resourceful man made a life-long career out of his attributes. Sicilian Francesco Lentini was born with three legs, two sets of genitals and an extra foot growing out of the knee of his third leg. As expected, he was the center of attention at his wedding reception. With three legs and feet, he single-handedly commanded the dance floor. And his sexual performance during his honeymoon has become the substance of legends.
Turning his back on a prodigious soccer career, he used his special qualities to become famous by touring with the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus and after marrying, raised a family of four children until he passed away in Florida at the ripe old age of 78. There’s been no word whether or not his children inherited his special characteristics. Even having just an extra finger would be a nice way to remember dad.
Hazel Jones, an attractive 27-year-old British woman has her own special qualities – or benefits – depending how you look at them. After suffering from excruciating menstrual cramps, the then 18-year-old from High Wycombe discovered she had a condition called didelphys, or two vaginas. “It’s not that crazy at all, even though it sounds like a sci-fi thing,” said Vincenzo Berghella, Director of Maternal Fetal Medicine at Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia. “We see many women with two vaginas (which is actually a septum dividing one vagina) – maybe one a month or more.”
According to the World Health Organization, one in every 3,000 women is born with the condition, although I’ve never been fortunate enough to date a single one. Jones never thought much of her duplicity until she experienced painful sex with her boyfriend. She was also puzzled by her friends’ responses when she asked them, “Which hole do I put my tampon in?” She was referring to her two vaginas. They thought she was confused about the difference between her vagina and her rectum.
Even though it’s easy to surgically correct the condition, many don’t. “I thought it was amazing and it’s definitely an ice-breaker 
at parties,” said Jones. “If women want to have a look, I’m quite happy to show them,” although I’m sure she wouldn’t feel comfortable giving me a peek. Another young lady discovered there was an added benefit to having two vaginas – she lost her virginity twice – once in the backseat of her Volvo and other on her wedding night.
If doctors would have discovered The Great Lentini’s double penises the same time they stumbled upon Hazel Jones’ dual vaginas, they might have been responsible for the longest marriage on record. With their unique equipment, it’s unlikely that either of them would have cheated on their spouse to explore better options.
After learning about double penises, dual vaginas and triple legs, I didn’t feel nearly as self-conscious about my triple nipples as I once did. Even if Mark Wahlberg, Carrie Underwood or Tilda Swinton do about theirs.
