I can’t stand the sight of blood. I’m not too wild about vomit or feces, either, but I’ve managed to evade both by steering clear of retirement homes and small children. So, when it came time to train as a phlebotomist, I surprised everyone. Including myself. I’d always wanted to be a vampire. I was enrolled in a graduate program for Mortuary Science when it came time to write my thesis. I pleaded with my advisor to let me wash her car instead, but it was inevitable I’d be spending the next 2 years pulling long nights in the library. I managed to escape it for a while by failing…

As a terminated, over-the-hill computer operator I never dreamed that I’d have an opportunity so late in life to strut down the halls of a major medical center as a world renowned breast surgeon, barking out orders on my way to scrubbing up for a mastopexy. Up until now, all those years of drinking, bong smoking and my worthless junior college transcript relegated me to a life of dirty, low-paying jobs and the accompanying low self esteem. Going to medical school wasn’t even on my radar screen until the sagging economy, a shortage of new physicians and skyrocketing malpractice premiums made it possible for me to reach up and grab…