The Corncob Gazette February 8, 2025 By Percival T. Hucklebrim Published by The Corncob Gazette Turtle Spit, Nebraska In a move hailed by some as “visionary” and by others as “deeply disturbing,” the Trump administration announced the creation of the new Department for Entrepreneurial Narcotics Advancement (DENA), a groundbreaking fusion of the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) and the Small Business Administration (SBA). The aim, according to vaguely worded memos, is to “foster innovative synergies between controlled substances and entrepreneurial growth opportunities.” “This is exactly the kind of bold thinking we need in today’s competitive landscape,” declared Dr. Thaddeus Crumplewhit, Professor of Applied Bureaucratic Dynamics at the University of Upper Greater…
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Department Of Unified Nuclear Transportation and Regulatory Infrastructure Launches A Bold Step Into The Future That Nobody Fully Understands
The Crustwood Gazette January 15, 2025 By Orville T. Pendergrass Published by The Crustwood Gazette Crustwood, Iowa In an unexpected announcement that left both experts and regular people equally bewildered, the Trump administration has unveiled a groundbreaking new federal agency: the Department of Unified Nuclear Transportation and Regulatory Infrastructure (DUNTRI). This bold fusion of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) and the Department of Transportation (DOT) aims to… well, something about streamlining radioactive logistics with enhanced regulatory coherence, or maybe vice versa. According to Dr. Thelma J. Splotnick, Professor of Applied Bureaucracy at the University of Greater Fargo, “This is a monumental step forward. Or backward. It’s hard to say without…
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Trump Administration Announces Bureau of Energy Housing and Livestock Stability “A Bold Creation”
The Toadspit Gazette February 7, 2025 By Percival H. Greeblethorpe Published by The Toadspit Gazette Toadspit, Nebraska In an unprecedented move designed to either streamline government operations or confuse everyone involved, the Trump administration has announced the formation of the Bureau of Energy, Housing, and Livestock Stability—a fusion of the Department of Energy and the Department of Housing and Urban Development, with a surprise cameo by, you guessed it, livestock. “If we can harness cow body heat to power microwaves in urban apartments, then frankly, the future is udderly promising.” – Cletus Farnsworth Wimple According to the hastily typed press release, the Department of Energy and the Department of Housing…
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Trump’s Tactical Towel Toss A Gesture of Goodwill or a Missed Shot at Empathy?
The Prairie Gazette Press Release February 5, 2025 By Obadiah Claggett The Prairie Gazette Broken Fork, Nebraska In what can only be described as a “historically unprecedented combination of arm strength and public relations,” footage of President Donald Trump tossing paper towels into a crowd of hurricane survivors in Puerto Rico has once again resurfaced, igniting the same level of confusion, debate, and mild indigestion over his insensitivity with the Los Angeles wildfires as it did back in 2017. While some experts hail the moment as a rare display of upper-body athleticism by a sitting U.S. president, others argue that it represented a fundamental misunderstanding of both hurricane relief efforts…
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Who’s Calling the Shots? Getting to Know Your New Cabinet Members
As President-elect Donald Trump prepares for his second term, he has announced a colorful and eclectic team for his administration, with selections as unique as their life stories. From Marco Rubio, the duct-tape visionary as Secretary of State, to Kristi Noem battling Velcro Dependency Syndrome as Secretary of Homeland Security, this cabinet promises a blend of brilliance and unconventional backgrounds. Here are four of his selections. Secretary of State Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, former presidential contender Born on March 23, 1971, in the bustling hamlet of Watermelon Fork, Nebraska, a town boasting the nation’s only drive-thru bowling alley, Marco Rubio entered this world with a sense of destiny. Battling…