Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed faculty, proud parents, and my fellow kindergarten graduates. Today is a day of celebration, a day of joy, and a day of reflection. As I stand before you here at The Snickerdoodle Scholars’ Sanctuary, I can’t help but think back to the great times we’ve had at this school. From the moment we first stepped foot into…
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From the Depths of Disgrace Jared Fogle Emerges from the Depths of Disgrace to Unleash a Tantalizing Array of Foot-Long Sandwiches at Subway
New York, NY — Subway Sandwiches is excited to unveil its new line of foot-long sandwiches, featuring bold and flavorful combinations that are sure to satisfy even the most discerning palates. Among the creative minds behind this new menu is former Subway spokesperson and convicted criminal, Jared Fogel. “We’re thrilled to have Jared working with us again,” said Subway CEO,…
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New Restroom Policies The inordinate amount of time visiting restrooms during business hours is about to stop!
From: Thaddeus Federman President, Acme Office Supplies To: All employees Subject: New Restroom Visitation Policies It has come to my attention that employees have been wasting an inordinate amount of time visiting the restroom during business hours. Up until now, Acme Office Supplies has allowed unlimited visits, with no accounting for lost work time while using the facilities. That’s about…
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True Confessions of a Donut Maker And other lurid adventures from the fast food industry
“Put yer back into it! Make sure yeh reach waaaaay back and git that cruller behin’ the rear wheels of the ‘frigerator, next to the cockroach.” And, so began the summer of ’66. I was looking for something to tide me over until high school graduation when the Navy planned to ship me off to Vietnam. Maybe bagging groceries, or…
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Before a Night of Fripping Spittlestoat, catenaliggette and other secrets behind mastering the new age of contemporary writing
Five minutes after signing the contract, I dropped to the floor, gasping for air. Next to being waterboarded as a Vietnam POW, I could tell that editing this manuscript was going to be the most horrendous experience of my life: Inquiring my well-wishers, which is the deadliest mistake as inherently scheduled to jealousy or hawk eyesight on your wardrobe waiting…
