“Hi, dear. How was your day?” “Oh, Ward. Sheriff Williams raided the house again this afternoon.” “That makes the third time this month. What happened?” “You know. The same old thing. The Wilson’s complained about Theodore’s meth lab again. Apparently the fumes coming out of his and Wally’s bedroom floated over the backyard fence and killed their cat. They’re threatening…
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With Rentals Like These, Who Needs Friends? Regaining familial tranquility with "Rent-a-Friend"
This started out as a bad year. In less than 6 months, I lost my job, condominium, car and all of my friends. Even the cat packed up her litter box and left. When my parents heard the bad news, they immediately snapped into action: they fled to Boca Raton and dropped me from their Christmas card list. The exodus…
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38 Million Minutes to Go It took me years to discover that I, alone, control the time I spend on earth--good Lord!
Like most people, I was born with 38,894,400 minutes to do with as I please before I depart this earth and embark on my journey into the next life. If I’m lucky, I’ll be reincarnated as a sexier model of my earthly self, with a chance to marry Amy Darowitz, have 10 kids, go to Harvard Law School and become…
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Better Living through Drug Addiction It's easy getting through life... as long as you have pill, syrup, lotion, cream, antacid, vitamins, tranquilizers, hormones, and suppositories
I’m hopelessly addicted to drugs. You name a pill, syrup, lotion, cream, antacid, vitamin, tranquilizer, hormone, douche or suppository and I’ve not only taken it, but I’ve abused it. Largely because I have an addiction. Anything worth taking is worth taking a lot. In all fairness, I can’t take the blame for my wayward behavior. It began the day I…
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Betty Crocker Means Good Nutrition What to do when you're too young, inept and lazy to feed yourself
As a rambunctious kid growing up in southern California, I was lucky enough to live at home under the loving dictatorship of two middle-income parents. In exchange for a few menial tasks like mowing the lawn, pulling weeds and cleaning out the septic tank, my parents gave me a comfortable place to live, a weekly allowance and sound nutrition through…
