Five minutes after signing the contract, I dropped to the floor, gasping for air. Next to being waterboarded as a Vietnam POW, I could tell that editing this manuscript was going to be the most horrendous experience of my life: Inquiring my well-wishers, which is the deadliest mistake as inherently scheduled to jealousy or hawk eyesight on your wardrobe waiting for the garment to vomit out as not fitting towards them or due to impaired vision, will tell you a lie. After I stopped hyperventilating, I thought, well the next chapter can’t be that bad. It wasn’t. It was worse: Emotional detachment between us during manifested harmony in relationships was…
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That’s the Way It Was And we liked it!
I don’t like things the way they are now. I wished they’d go back to the way they was. We’ve gotten too dang soft. We coddle our younguns and blame everbody but ourselves for our troubles. In my day, we took stock for our own lives, and we liked it! In my day we knew how to talk to people. We didn’t have no stinkin’ internet super-highway, social media, appmachallits or any of that other crap people use nowadays. If we wanted ta talk to someone down at the feed store, we just drove down there and talked to ’em. Or, we’d go into the house and use the dang…
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The Secrets Behind Writing Riveting Television Screenplays You too can become filthy rich by crafting exciting police, courtroom, and crime scene investigation television dramas
Prosecutor: “You killed her, didn’t you!” Defendant: “No, no. I’m innocent.” Prosecutor: “Admit it. Your DNA was all over the maid!” Defendant: “Alright, alright. I did it. Now, please. Let go of my throat.” There’s no secret to writing riveting screenplays for television. I should know. I’ve written thousands of them. From Naked Homicide and The Streets of Wichita, Kansas to every conceivable flavor of Law & Order and CSI series known to man. I’ve won 37 Emmys, 15 Golden Globes and have been nominated for more than a dozen Academy Awards, 6 Tonys, and 3 Grammys. But, as I get on in years, I feel compelled to share some…
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Burmese Python — It’s What’s for Dinner! Large Asian serpents join feral hogs, swamp rats and maggots on restaurant menus
Daisy slithered out the back door last night. Just like her uncle Bert did during the summer of ’79. If it weren’t for the fact that she’s an adorable eighteen-foot-long Burmese python weighing nearly 300 pounds, none of Daisy’s neighbors probably would have cared. But when she quickly gobbled up all the neighborhood foxes, limpkins, and rabbits, things quickly took a turn for the worse. Overnight, raccoon sightings were down by 99.3%, opossums by 98.9%, and white-tailed deer by 94.1%.[1] She’s even been known to take down animals as large as alligators, deer, and powerboats with outboard Evinrudes. More than 6,300 snakes have been captured so far, and if they…
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Near Death Experiences Aren’t All They’re Cracked Up to Be Make sure you read the brochure before you go
It’s about time you got here,” said God. “Sorry, man. I would have been here earlier, but there was a humongous traffic accident on I-70 on my way out of town. Actually, it was MY accident, but you probably already know that.” He did. After all, he was God. The whole affair started late one Friday afternoon on my way out of town to go skiing. The blizzard tangled up traffic for miles, with motorists ricocheting off of each other, against the center divider like pin balls. But, what really did me in was trying to wolf down a foot-long, chili-cheese dog while balancing a bong in my lap. Out…