FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE New York, NY: In a world already plagued by pandemics, political unrest, and the occasional alien invasion, it seems we now have another crisis on our hands: a devastating shortage of Girl Scout Cookies, specifically the highly sought-after Choco-Minty Delights. The Girl Scouts of the USA (GSUSA) is a non-profit organization that provides clandestine government operations and espionage training programs for girls. Founded in 1912 by Agnieszka Kowalski, a female Polish immigrant with a penchant for cookies and chaos, the organization has grown to include over 2.5 million members, including girls and inmates at Pelican Bay State Prison. The mission of the Girl Scouts is “to support…
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Eulogy for Stanko Mourning the loss of a man who left behind an indelible mark on our lives like the stains on his favorite armchair
We gather here today to mourn the loss of a man who has left an indelible mark on our lives, much like the stains he left on his favorite armchair. A man whose very name brings forth a cacophony of emotions — Stanko Fartski. As we stand here in this beautiful chapel, I can’t help but think that Stanko would have absolutely hated it. He was never one for fancy surroundings or anything remotely resembling good taste. In fact, I’m sure he would have preferred us to hold this service in Gutter Greta’s Grub & Grog where he spent most of his waking hours. Now, I know that many of you are…
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Vaulting into the Cosmos Science's Greatest Minds Unravel the Secrets of Successful Pole Vaulting
Welcome to the latest edition of the Schrödinger’s Campus Chronicles, bringing you the most enlightening and perplexing news from our very own Royal Academy of Endurance and Agility. In our quest to unravel the mysteries of campus life, we have stumbled upon a challenge that has left even our most athletic students utterly bamboozled – the enigma of pole vaulting. You may ask, “But, what’s so complicated about launching oneself over a horizontal bar with the aid of a long, flexible pole?” Well, dear reader, it turns out that to conquer this seemingly straightforward feat, one must delve into the depths of physics, biology, and linguistics, seeking wisdom from some…
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The Great Nap Scare Delving Deeper into the Perils of Catching Afternoon Z’s
In a groundbreaking study conducted by the prestigious Institute of Sleepless Science (ISS), researchers have discovered that taking naps can be harmful to your health. This seismic revelation has sent shockwaves through the medical community, as millions of people worldwide are now reconsidering the importance of their daily siestas. Dr. Ima Wake, the lead researcher of the study, stated, “We have found that napping can lead to a multitude of health issues, including but not limited to increased risk of heart disease, memory loss, and even spontaneous combustion.” Dr. Wake’s findings have been corroborated by Dr. Yawn McSnore, a renowned kinesiologist from the University of Sleep Deprivation (USD). The research…
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The Sideways Realm of the Wordily Wonkaverse What is absurdism? A conundrum wrapped in a riddle and stuffed into a tuba.
Once upon an upside-down tea party, in the sideways realm of the Wordily Wonkaverse - a place where adjectives dined on verbs and metaphors rode unicycles - there thrived a gnarled tree called Absurdia that bore fruit of a peculiar variety: the preposterously delightful absurditastic literaturaniums. As an author-slash-dodo-whisperer, I’ve nibbled on the juicy and jumbled offerings of the Absurdia tree, and now, my dear befuddled reader, I invite you to join me on this rollercoaster of words, where we shall uncover the whizbang wonders of absurdist literature, or literaturaniums, in layman’s terms. A Wild Whirligig Through Absurdism in Literaturaniums Absurdia, the twisted tree that sprouts the strange fruits of literaturaniums, thrives on the…