The Waffle Creek Tribune February 11, 2025 By Norbert Puddlewhisk Published by The Waffle Creek Tribune Waffle Creek, Indiana In an announcement that has left defense analysts, mail carriers, and at least one confused pigeon scratching their heads, the Trump administration proudly unveiled the new Department of Defense-Oriented Postal Efficiency and Strategic Mail Readiness Commission (DDOPESMRC). This trailblazing agency combines the formidable might of the Department of Defense with the timeless charm of the United States Postal Service to secure America’s borders—and, apparently, its envelopes. Standing confidently behind a podium fashioned from surplus military crates and undelivered holiday packages, Acting Undersecretary of Paper-Based Defense, Euphemia Crankshaft, declared, “For too long,…

The Spudville Sentinel February 11, 2025 By Elmer Toadflap Published by The Spudville Sentinel Spudville, Nebraska In a move that has left both postal workers and environmentalists equally confused, the Trump administration announced the creation of the Department of Postal Security and Environmental Surveillance (DPSES). This revolutionary agency will merge the critical yet questionably connected functions of the United States Postal Service and the Environmental Protection Agency, ensuring your mail is safe and your forests feel seen. Standing proudly at a podium made entirely of recycled cardboard and undelivered letters, Acting Deputy Secretary of Unspecified Affairs, Hortense Clabberbucket, declared, “For too long, America has ignored the obvious link between stamp…