Interoffice Memorandum
From: Byron Hobart Leland McElroy, III
President of Transformational Performance Enablement
Amalgamated Industrial Consolidations, Ltd.
April 10, 2026
Subject: Ongoing Crisis of Porcelain Mismanagement
To: All Employees of Amalgamated Industrial Consolidations, LTD.
After a thorough review of productivity reports, water usage, and hallway linoleum wear, I’ve been made aware of the flagrant use of our corporate restrooms and that immediate corrective measures are required.
Effective immediately, we will be instituting the Centralized Restroom Activity & Performance Oversight (CRAPO) program designed to restore order, dignity, and above all—efficiency—to what has become an embarrassingly unregulated aspect of the workday.
The schedule below will govern all restroom visitations.
Let me emphasize that this is not a suggestion. This is not a guideline. This is a policy. Failure to comply with these guidelines will be met with consequences so unpleasant that future historians will refer to this moment in time as The Great Porcelain Awakening.
Effective immediately, the following provisions are now in order:
Requests for restroom visits beyond employees’ standard rations will be denied unless approved in advance by the employee’s gastroenterologist.
If an employee misses their scheduled visit, they forfeit all other visits and must wait until the following day.
Employees are free to exchange their scheduled times, but only with other employees having different last names. All exchanges must be submitted in triplicate and approved by the AICL Medical Director three days in advance of the requested visit.
Audible whistling, humming, or recreational reading inside the restroom stalls will be interpreted as leisure activity and result in immediate suspension of all restroom privileges for 72 hours (not including weekends).
Toilet paper usage will be restricted to three sheets per visit and monitored by artificial intelligence. If an employee uses more than their allotted three sheets, an AI bot will trigger a silent alarm, alerting the AICL Toiletries Compliance Officer.
If an employee’s restroom visit exceeds their allotted ten minutes, the stall door will burst open, triggering a flashing red light, and the ear-splitting scream of a siren, along with photographing the offender. The image will be immediately processed and transmitted to the Director of Human Resources, with their photograph featured in the company’s monthly newsletter under the “Time Management Obscenities” column.
Let us all remember why we are here. We are here to work. We are here to produce. And most importantly, we are here to do so without turning the restrooms into our own vacation condos.
Sincerely,
Byron Hobart Leland McElroy, III
President of Transformational Performance Enablement
