It begins innocently enough. A few political ads during the nightly news, a candidate shaking hands at your local diner, or maybe a robocall or two promising lower gas prices and more Dunkin’ Donut shops. Before long, the entire country is knee-deep in a political swamp, where facts are foggy, tensions are high, and the stress level is somewhere between “tax audit” and “Thanksgiving dinner with your in-laws.”
Elections, once considered a sacred exercise in civic duty, have evolved into a nationwide anxiety festival that lasts months, if not years. It’s not just the candidates dodging debate questions like caffeinated preschoolers. We the people are stressed out too, caught in a political house of mirrors where every turn leads to more questions and fewer answers. Who is this person smiling on my TV screen like they know me? Why do they suddenly care about composting in my backyard? And is that a banjo playing in the background of their campaign ads?
Then, like a scene out of an Alfred Hitchcock thriller, election day arrives. You march into the voting booth, take a deep breath, and panic. It’s the political equivalent of interpreting a road map while speeding down the Autobahn.
That’s when you remember. “Dang! I voted for Donald J. Trump.”
Out of all the capable leaders, and brilliant visionaries, you picked the guy who suggested injecting disinfectant as a viable health strategy. Well, this article is for you. Not to shame, but to shine a light on the capable candidates you could have chosen, so you won’t make the same mistake again. We’re taking a post-vote tour through the candidates that got away. The candidates you could have voted for.
You could have voted for Quasimodo
But instead, you elected The Cheeto-in-Chief
You could have voted for Beldar Conehead
But instead, you elected The Mango Mussolini
You could have voted for Frankenstein
But instead, you elected The Marmalade Madman
You could have voted for The Demon
But instead, you elected The Great Tangerine
You could have voted for Johnny Winter
But instead, you elected The Nectarine Napoleon
You could have voted for Marty Feldman
But instead, you elected The Bronze Baboon
You could have voted for Rodney Dangerfield
But instead, you elected The Lord of the Lies
You could have voted for The Unknown Comic
But instead, you elected Sir Lies-a-Lot
You could have voted for Willy Nelson
But instead, you elected The Grifter-in-Chief
You could have voted for Ziggy Stardust
But instead, you elected The Orange Oaf
You could have voted for Cosmo Kramer
But instead, you elected The Velveeta Voldemort
You could have voted for The Xenomorph
But instead, you elected The Mango Madman
You could have voted for Lt. Worf
But instead, you elected Stubby McTinyhands
You could have voted for Barney Fife
But instead, you elected The Tangerine Tyrant
You could have voted for Wolfman Jack
But instead, you elected The Moron-a-Lago
You could have voted for Anton Chigurh
But instead, you elected The Orange Menace
You could have voted for Ozzie Osbourne
But instead, you elected The Tangerine Tyrant
You could have voted for O.J. Simpson
But instead, you elected The Twitter Twat
You could have voted for “El Chapo”
But instead, you elected The Liar-in-Chief
You could have voted for Jared Fogle
But instead, you elected The Bloviator-in-Chief
You could have voted for “P-Diddy”
But instead, you elected The King of Cringe
You could have voted for Hannibal Lecter
But instead, you elected The Combover Conqueror
You could have voted for Little Richard
But instead, you elected The Monarch of Big Macs
You could have voted for Sam Kinison
But instead, you elected The Apricot Antichrist
You could have voted for Norm Macdonald
But instead, you elected The Buffoon of Bluster
You could have voted for John Belushi
But instead, you elected Captain Bone Spurs
And now it’s too late to do anything about it…
