Original Premise: The Revenant (2015) – The Bear Attack
Leonardo DiCaprio’s grueling, nearly realistic mauling by a bear is so brutal and relentless, it’s hard to believe he survived
Opening Scene
Exterior Wilderness – Daylight
A dense, misty forest stretches for miles. Snow-covered trees stand solemnly, undisturbed—except for the massive “Welcome to The Montana Wilderness” sign, which has been clawed to within an inch of its life. Underneath, a wooden plaque reads: “Voted Worst Place to Be Mauled by a Bear – Three Years Running.”
Leonard Glassman (mid-40s, rugged, survivor type, though his contractually obligated movie-star face remains perfect) trudges through the snow, breathing heavily. He clutches a rifle, his face set in grim determination. Suddenly, a distant twig snap echoes through the forest.
A squirrel scurries across a tree branch. Leonard spins, eyes narrowed. A leaf rustles. He whips the rifle up. A gentle breeze blows. Leonard flips over a log, ready to strike. Then—
A bear the size of a Brooklyn garbage truck explodes from the trees, roaring loud enough to shake the ground. Leonard freezes.
Leonard: That’s a big squirrel.
The bear charges. Leonard raises his rifle—Click. Out of bullets. He looks at the gun, shakes it, then checks the price tag still attached: “Hunter’s Deluxe Rifle – $19.99 (Does Not Include Bullets).”
The bear is nearly on him. Leonard does the only logical thing: he pulls out a tiny whistle and blows it. A faint “peep.”
Bear: (stopping) WTF?…Seriously?
Leonard: I panicked.
The bear shrugs, then mauls him.
Leonard flies into the air like a ragdoll, spinning midair like a figure skater before slamming into the ground. The bear pounces. It’s a flurry of claws, teeth, and unrelenting halitosis.
Leonard: (getting mauled) You know, I’d really appreciate it if we could just talk this out—OW—like two—AH—civilized creatures.
The bear pauses, considering.
Bear: (deadpan) OK. I’m up for that.
Leonard, bleeding and broken, takes a moment to gather himself.
Leonard: Listen, I get it. You’re big, you’re powerful, you’ve probably got a dozen sponsorship deals—
The bear pulls out a cellphone. The screen reads: “Call from: Bear Grylls.” The bear declines the call.
Leonard: —but do you really want to be the bear that ends my Oscar campaign?
The bear contemplates. Then, it shrugs and resumes mauling him.
Leonard is swung like a baseball bat into a tree. A large sign is nailed to it: “Tree. Do not hit with human bodies.” He slides down, leaving a perfect chalk outline in the bark.
Two hunters step into view. One is grizzled and wise. The other looks like he got lost on his way to a community theater production of Oklahoma!
Hunter (offscreen): Looks like we got ourselves a bear attack.
New Guy: What makes you think that?
Grizzled Hunter: (gesturing at Leonard) The screaming. The claw marks. The general sense of regret.
New Guy: Textbook.
The bear, now wearing Leonard’s jacket and checking itself out in a pocket mirror, pauses and looks at them.
Bear: Can I help you?
Grizzled Hunter: Are you aware you’re mauling a man?
Bear: …Define “maul.”
New Guy: (pulling out a dictionary) “Maul: to attack and injure in a brutal or savage manner.”
Bear: (nods) I’d argue that it’s more a “spirited disagreement.”
Leonard weakly lifts his hand.
Leonard: I’d argue “Owww.”
The bear nods, satisfied, then lifts Leonard and throws him into the air. Leonard soars over the treetops, screaming. Midair, a bald eagle grabs him with his razor-sharp claws and flies away.
Cut to Exterior River – Seconds Later
Leonard is dropped into the river, where a school of fish immediately holds up judging scorecards.
Fish #1: 6.5.
Fish #2: 7.0
Fish #3: 3.5
Leonard coughs, flailing in the water.
Leonard: Oh good. This is exactly where I wanted to be after being violently disassembled.
A beaver pops up next to him.
Beaver: You should probably get out of here.
Leonard: Surely, you can’t be serious.
Beaver: I am serious. And, don’t call me Shirley.
Cut to Riverbank – Seconds Later
A massive waterfall.
Leonard (falling over the waterfall): Oh, come on…
Leonard plummets, arms flailing, screaming.
Cut to Riverbank – Much Later
Leonard washes up on shore, immaculately coiffed, wearing a crisp three-piece suit. He spits out a fish. Then another fish. Then a pigeon.
Leonard: (groaning) Never again.
Denouement and Closing Scene
A bear’s paw slams into his chest.
Bear: Round two?
End of Scene
Next up: The Godfather’s Horseplay
