The Pickle Junction Gazette
February 11, 2025
By Clydus Thistlewhomp
Published by The Pickle Junction Gazette
Pickle Junction, Iowa
In a bold move that’s leaving economists, farmers, and people who enjoy alphabet soup scratching their heads, the Trump administration has announced the formation of an unprecedented federal agency: the Department of Commerce-Based Emotional Stability and Agriculture Harmonization Bureau (DCBESAHB). This initiative will combine the vast, highly unrelated resources of the Department of Commerce and the Department of Agriculture to, allegedly, “stabilize national moods while ensuring corn knows it’s appreciated.”
During a press briefing that lasted approximately 17 minutes longer than necessary, Acting Under-Assistant Deputy Liaison to the Subcommittee for Oblique Affairs, Waverly Crumbcake, stated, “This agency will address the critical overlap between soybean tariffs and public emotional wellness. Frankly, we’re surprised no one thought of it sooner.” Experts from distinguished, vaguely relevant institutions have chimed in with their insights.
“If this means my llamas can get subsidies AND emotional counseling, I’m all in. They’ve been moody since the tariffs hit.”
– Lorraine Crankshaft
Dr. Burlap Wigglesnort, Professor of Agrarian Psychology at the University of North Southwest East Dakota, expressed cautious optimism: “Studies have shown that wheat yield projections can trigger mild existential crises in accountants. The DCBESAHB could finally bridge that gap—assuming the gap is, in fact, real.”
On the flip side, Penelope Starchbottom, Senior Fellow in Commercial Emotional Analytics at the Mid-Ohio Institute for Confused Metrics, voiced concerns: “We’re treading dangerous waters here. Mixing commerce with emotional stability is like adding mayonnaise to a toaster. It’s bold, sure, but is it necessary? Also, is anyone even reading these memos?”
Citizens are equally bewildered. Retired postmaster Clovis “Spud” Thackery, speaking from his porch in rural Pickle Junction, lamented, “Back in my day, if you felt emotionally unstable, you just bought a goat. Now we need a bureau for that?”
Meanwhile, Lorraine Crankshaft, owner of Lorraine’s Llama Spa & Emporium, had a different take: “If this means my llamas can get subsidies AND emotional counseling, I’m all in. They’ve been moody since the tariffs hit.”
The DCBESAHB’s headquarters will reportedly be housed in a repurposed corn silo, chosen for its symbolic resonance and convenient parking. Its primary mission remains vague but includes key objectives like “enhancing the fiscal vibes of rural communities” and “negotiating peace between trade deficits and seasonal affective disorder.”
For those seeking more clarity—or a reasonable explanation—please contact The Casserole Enthusiast Quarterly or Ferret Fancy Digest for additional updates.
Media Contact:
Festus Puddlewick
Acting Director of Public Vagueness
Email: definitelyrealemail@unclear.gov
Phone: (555) 010-4040 (please hold for an indefinite period)
Clydus Thistlewhomp has been a distinguished contributor to Midwestern journalism, earning accolades for investigative masterpieces such as The Great Jell-O Mold Conspiracy of 1987, Why Do My Pants Shrink? A Laundry Enigma, and Unicycles: The Silent Menace.
