The Effingham Gazette
February 10, 2025
By Burliss Thaddeus Grimpley
Published by The Effingham Gazette
Effingham, Kansas
In a move heralded as both “visionary” and “possibly unnecessary,” the Trump administration has officially launched the Department of Advanced Synergistic Federal Optimization Strategies (DASFOS), an agency designed to maximize the efficiency of existing government functions by redefining, realigning, and, if needed, renaming them. Funded through a highly specific grant allocation from the National Science Foundation (NSF) and an inexplicably large pool of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) surplus funds, DASFOS promises to do something important—though what that is remains largely unclear.
Dr. Nesterius Peeblesworth, a self-proclaimed Governmental Efficiency Theorist from the Eastern Nebraska College of Higher Bureaucratic Studies, praised the initiative. “What we have here is a department that isn’t just a department. It’s a meta-department. A department for departments. We’re looking at a completely redefined interagency approach to macro-level procedural structuring. It’s about the big picture—probably.”
“They say it’s about optimization, but my mail still arrives late, the roads have potholes, and I still can’t understand my electric bill. What exactly is being optimized here?”
– Lurvella Agamemnon Finklestein
However, concerns have emerged over whether DASFOS has a clear mandate or, as some critics claim, “an actual function.” Dr. Emmeline Dorcus Sputterworth, a noted scholar of Applied Redundancy Sciences at the Northwest Dakota Institute of Vague Studies, expressed skepticism. “We already have departments that oversee other departments. This new department, which oversees those departments overseeing other departments, might be one layer too many. But hey, what do I know? I just study this stuff.”
Public reaction has been predictably mixed. Local resident and amateur policy enthusiast Varnell Eliphaz Cudwinker was overjoyed at the news. “Finally, an administration that understands what the American people need: more agencies with longer names. The moment I heard about DASFOS, I knew my tax dollars were in good hands.”
On the other hand, Lurvella Agamemnon Finklestein, a retired librarian and outspoken advocate for Practical Government Functions, was less enthusiastic. “We don’t even know what this thing does. They say it’s about optimization, but my mail still arrives late, the roads have potholes, and I still can’t understand my electric bill. What exactly is being optimized here?”
Despite the growing debate, the official DASFOS Mission Statement, released in an email with no return address, states: “We exist to enhance interdepartmental effectiveness through a multi-tiered, stratified approach to synergetic procedural reassessment, fostering a landscape of dynamic interconnectivity and holistic federal integration.”
For those seeking additional details—or perhaps an explanation—DASFOS has directed inquiries to The Jacksonville Ornamental Fish Enthusiast’s Quarterly, The South Dakota Digest of Train Schedules, and The Poughkeepsie Guide to Reasonably Priced Fencing Materials.
Media Contact:
Orenthal J. Puddlenoggin
Director of External and Internal Affairs, Outreach, and Unspecified Responsibilities
Email: orenthal.puddlenoggin@definitelyreal.gov
(555) 867-5309 (currently undergoing system optimization)
Burliss Thaddeus Grimpley is a decorated investigative journalist, best known for his groundbreaking exposés, including The Corn Dog Cartel: A Deep-Fried Conspiracy, The Great Toothpick Shortage of ’94, and Why Is There a Random Fire Hydrant in My Basement?
